Why I Feel like $#!% ...... 9-22-13

Have you ever had the feeling of realizing how little worth you possess in this world?
Like if you disappeared tomorrow, how little people would care. 

Forgettable, a loser, worthless, small, sad, lonely, and mostly confused....

These are the scary and sad thoughts i have almost every day.

I have honesty become a very depressed person again.. yet to my family and few people, They would be none the wiser.

All i can think about it how little i matter to people. I have had literally every friend leave me except for one. I'm very lucky to have her. Besides family i have little.
Like do i suck that badly to be treated so horrible?
I have a heart and soul too right?

Does anyone remember me? I'm still here...


I think deep down inside thats why i kinda hate church.. 
I'm just so confused and frustrated right now.
I dont want to be that person who challenges everything yet thats what i am lately...
Everything just sounds so wrong and dumb.
Like now as a women, i feel like i can never be anything to a church because of my sex and that hurts. The week prier we talked about how men should value women and how to live godly as a man. Then last week i learned women have to be a slave to a man and cant be a leader in a church because of Eve being tempted. No how to be with a guy or how to be a godly women like how the guys week discussion was. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THAT HUGE DIFFERENCE? 
I really wanted to learn about being a godly women... Not what i cant do or what i cant be because i dont sport a penis. It really hurt....

You also see these people, and everything is like nothing has changed or time has passed and you hear, "lets hangout soon".Yet your phone remains silent the whole week.... It makes my already pretty destroyed heart feel weaker.
Seriously if i didn't feel a heart beat i would surely think my heart has given out from all these years of shit. I feel like i have a hole in my chest...
I'm going through one of the most difficult times in my life where i have looked suicide in the face and no one seems to remember to care.
To the individuals at church, i would hope im still alive too. Thank you for checking in on me... not.

Besides Kenzie i have had no one text me or try to get a hold of me. I can kinda understand why they didn't, im replaceable and forgettable.

I get invited to hang out with matt once and never hear from him since... story of my life. 
Im sorry im not ready to face the crappy people you decided to invite...


When am i going to not feel so empty inside?
When can i be worth something?
Am i even worth it to god anymore?


I pray multi times daily and i am trying harder with my bible yet thats only getting me so far...
when can my life start and not feel like the tinman looking for a heart, the lion looking for courage and the scarecrow looking for a brain..

Coward.. 7.24.13

You know that awkward moment when you still blog every day we don't have the courage or the confidence to post them. All that's what I've been going through the past while...

When I get the confidence I will post them.... I during my absence my life has been anything but good, have had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate, some falling outs and just down right depression.

I sincerely apologize for my hiatus

7.24.13

Im So Fucked Up And Yes I'm Back.. But Who Cares.. 3.28.13

So im back....
It really has been while hasn't it?
A lot has happened since i have been gone but nothing sadly is better.

Bottom line:
I Have Given Up.

There is the sad truth. I want to give up on life.
I'm so unhappy everyday its excusting....

How could I be such a worthless Piece of space. In all honesty I just feel so alone.

Let's recap how the year that was supposed to be my year has gone.

The last day of last year I ended my friendship with my best friend. She have lied to me for the last time and I honestly couldn't take it anymore. Then like two weeks later we patched things up and tried to make things work. Things were going great for a while and now they're kind of back to the worst again.
We have days were really good friends and it's amazing to days like today where I don't even know what's going on.

Another just horrible moment is my best friend is very involved with the asshole group. I honestly have no words to even express how I feel about the situation. You're perfectly allowed to call me jealous but it's more the fact they treat her like shit and she does nothing about. Ms.blow off is now dating Mr. BootCamp and it's really awkward. The reason my best friend is Subjecting herself to that... I have no idea.
I can kind of understand her from the point of how much I would like to be back with this group but she has so much more wounds with this group than I do. It just hurts me because she always complains to me and tries to ask me to help her figure it out yet all the advice I give her or she tells me she's going to, She does the exact opposite. She goes from I hate Ms.blowoff and Ms.fakeface, they are horrible, I'm done with them and I never want to see them again to the next night they're all hanging out and all best friends. It's really dumb.

I honestly don't understand anymore.


Another blow to my "extremely happy life" I had someone steal a Shit ton of money from me. And the only prime suspect that I have is this Ms.blowoff. I honestly don't want talk about it just sucks way too much.

Moving on..

Sadly I wanted to kill myself last week.
I am really ashamed to say so Which doesn't make me feel any better.
How can I just be so worthless as a person. This is the question I keep asking myself every day. I feel like I have no friends, I'm always alone, I am depressed and I'm just honestly just the most unhappy I have ever been in my entire life.
Sure I have my best friend most days and my good friend Kenzie but who can Say they will stay Friends with me? My track record shows me that this probably won't be the case.
I'm going to end up alone.

I am almost 20 fucking years old and I've done nothing with my life.
If that doesn't make me pathetic I don't know what does.
I am literally not gone a day without crying myself to sleep.

As I hit my keyboard with my fingertips tears shed down my face.

I feel like I have knots in my stomach all the time. I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. And when people don't respond to me it makes it so much worse.

Like today my best friend and i had another one of our "fight things" that we go through. I don't want to get into the details of it but pretty much she came over spent the night, we talked about things said she's Would change things then the next day went back on her word. Which really pissed me off. Also we have been talking about getting our ears pieced and she Went out with my two least favorite people on the planet and got it done without me.

That hurt me so fucking much.

When am I going to be worth anything to anybody. I am easily forgotten about and I honestly am not going to live the rest my life like this. I would rather just not be here.
People tell me I need to try to focus on the positives of my life but with all the negative's I have it becomes impossible. It's my puzzle that will never be solved.
I am missing so many pieces it's not even possible to complete.

I feel like an empty shell that I once was without sounding to emo. I am honestly not even myself anymore. The happy-go-lucky, giggly, funny, over excitable person I once was is dying and fading away.
I just want to fade away.
And that is fucking terrifying...

What am I supposed to do.
I've reached out to so many people and no one has help me find this answer.
I tell people my problems to only get I'm sorry, never advice, never any help.

IN ALL HONESTY I NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE!

Anybody I don't care who I just need answers. I can't keep going through my life like this and I'm not to be around much longer if it continues.

If you're reading this blog and have any thing you feel you have anything to say please leave a comment you can be anonymous I don't care.
I just need someone out there to tell me it will get better. And just help me.

I'm sick of who I am. I'm sick of being me and I'm ashamed to be me...


I'm so mad at myself that I always make my best friend Hate me.
Like tonight I'm just killing myself waiting for an answer.
I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I get to absorbed with my emotions and I don't think. I honestly did mean what I had to say today but maybe I should just kept it to myself.
I should gave just ignored it and let it kill me from the inside but still have her.
I feel like shit..... Fuck me

Why am I so fucking stupid.
That is the question of the day.
I just honestly can't do anything right.

When is it going be my turn for people to actually start to care for me.
My best friend is lucky enough to get that from my old group.

When Will I Be Worth It?

When am Ever going to be blessed enough to experience the same?
Because I feel by the time anyone starts to care I'm going to be gone.

I'm really scared.

I've admitted to myself that I do need help. I just don't know when I'm going to get it or if I will ever get it.
I am so emotionally screwed up.
So very much screwed up.


I can honestly say I now know the term that nothing truly lasts forever.

And life is no exception.
3.28.13

Is it worth it anymore? Nope 12.28.12

As every day passes by going slower and slower than the previous..... I hate it.
I hate feeling alone every single freaking day. My cell phone is become my greatest enemy because it is the sole proof that I have no friends or anyone that cares.
I feel like I am the annoyance in every single person's life. Im not as great as everybody else why would anyone want to talk or hang out with me. I have no interesting qualities, I'm not that fun of a person. I just suck.
I'm laughing at myself because the point of this blog was motivation to become a happier person and I'm just going in the wrong direction. I was so excited to think I had plans for New Year's to finally figure out that I was dead wrong again. Why am I am so stupid? why would anyone want to hang out with me on that night. With all the parties and the fun activities and also fun real groups of friends why would anyone spend it with little old me. I defiantly know that I will be alone the rest my life and any friendships I make in the future are mirages of what really could be.
I'm alone and it is going to say that way if I live long enough anyways.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
Me
Me
Me.

The sad part is I do truthfully feel of I wasn't around anymore no one would care. Sure people will probably disagree With what I just said yet these people are the sole reason why feel so alone and feel the way that I do.
I will always be second best everything...
I feel like I've become secondary to even my best friend.
Last week she said that we would hang out Saturday night to make up for not being to come over on Friday night because she was with a different person to find out she went to a bonfire with her group instead. The group that is hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe it and even to her too. Yet she would rather hang out with people who treat her completely like trash then the person who stood by her side this entire time.
But whatever it's my life right? Everything will never turn out the way I want it to.
I would just be forever known as the annoying person who can never make a single friend and will always be replaced with something better comes along.

I have been asked way too many times this week if I have a guy interest in my life. I've gotten to the point where I have just completely stopped trying to like people because they never ever like me back.
I always go unnoticed and forgotten.
At the age of 19 is the complete shame that I'm not dating Or have had someone in my life that I can refer to as a boyfriend.
Once again why would anyone want to like me. I'm not as pretty as my sister.
Or as my best friend says I have a "Stay away from me" vibe guys get. The vibe of I will never "do anything" Because obviously that's what our society thinks is most important about every relationship nowadays. Is completely crazy that a girl does not want To have sex with every single guy she dates and or meets.
Why can't a guy just give me the chance?

I have a person in my life that judges me on things that I have never even done or on things that are not even true.
I seriously think about it every single day and it is destroying me.
What gives this person the audacity to treat me this way. Isn't it against your "religion" to do so? You're the reason why use a judge and hate Christians. You guys all think you're so much better then everyone else and can say whatever you want to because your little god is protecting you.It makes me sad because I with out a doubt believe in God yet I get so ashamed Because of people like you. I like that my best friend hangs out with the likes of this person and does nothing about it. Even though you know it is completely wrong you don't care. Just give me the famous line of "why can't we just be friends without bringing up my personal life" And drop it like you always do. Even you know it kills me inside to the point where I want to start cutting myself again.

Why would anyone care about me at all?
It's not like Matter in the slightest to anyone.

12.28.12

Her bed (Poetry that I wrote #2) 12.27.12

There was a girl sitting in her bed
Crying so hard she was shaking her head.
Wondering why everything was just so hard
Looking at her wrists that were ravaged and scarred.
Wishing that everything could just go away.
Maybe that time will come someday.
She is beginning to reach the end of her rope
Finally realizing that she no longer has hope.
When did her life become this way?
Maybe is because she went unnoticed every day.
If only someone had noticed that something was wrong
They could have helped her become happy and strong.
She instead had to watch all of her friends leaving her behind.
Not even giving her the courtesy of a goodbye.

All she can now do is lay on her bed
Crying her eyes out from all that has been said.

12.27.12

Invisible mind. (Poetry I wrote #1) 12.26.12

When feeling invisible don't worry your head
yes the feeling will remain even when your in your own bed
Is not just a game it is all very real
Lonely, lost and forgotten will be how you feel.
It is your choice on the outcome if you decide to act
It is all up to you if you want change this fact.
You can either go down a happy road and be fine.
Or Let these facts consume you, It will take time.
So when feeling invisible even in your own bed
Either let it consume you or let a better answer come to your head.



I wrote this poem about how I've been feeling lately.
I really miss writing poetry I think I'm a start doing it again.

12.26.12

You Are Amazing... Yes You 12.9.12

 (I Hope This Post Gives Someone Motivation For life who Doesn't Have It And This Is My Greatest Attempt On This)

I have been in my dark hole of depression since last week, and today didn't help, I found out no matter where i run my past comes back to haunt me... the fact i used to be "weird".

Yes i'll admit i have changed from my past self of 4 years ago.

I was a little different from anyone else. Had the brand of  "Weird" branded on me. What people don't realize what i had going on at home and during my entire life.

My mom used to hit and abuse me when she was angry. 

We had huge financial problems going on.

I had a eating problem

Found out my mom was cheating on my dad.

My sister used to hate me.

Everyone had already judged me

Struggled to fit in

Just felt so alone

Just wanted one friend

Cut Myself everyday

Everything lead to me trying to commit Suicide.

After that night of my attempted suicide during freshman year of high school,

I realized i needed to change. 

I acted more mature, cared about my appearance,  shut the world out from all around me, accepted that no one from my high school would be friends with me and i would have to just endure 3 more years to graduation. I become what people wanted me to me. 

I was FAKE.

I was not my true self... I hated the person i became, the one who flew under the radar. So i decided to crack most of my mask off, it was scary. Right after this, I met the Group i have mentioned in most of my blogs. Finally felt like i fit in. I had good memories with them, My first Real friends. Sadly i'm not friends with them anymore but i'm glad i met such great people when i was at my most vulnerable with out that mask which protected me. Yes i have been extremely hurt by this group yet i'm glad i remind strong enough to keep that mask off.

I think this is why this group hurt me so much when i lost them. This is the answer i wish i had gave to Ms.FakeFace. The reason on why they mattered to me so much.. I felt like i could be my real self to them, like i finally mattered.

So yes i am different from my past self but i only Grew up. I didn't change what i liked and loved, i went back to thinking appearance isn't everything, I'm still mature then i was but that comes with age. I'm older now and know i only want people around me who actually like me for me. I also just need to meet more new people who don't know about my past.

But unfortunately it always seems to come back.

I started going to this college group which i felt really accepted in. But then i see a person from my past at the college group and immediately know if fucked. I then find out that yes he  has spread gossip about my old weird self. So their goes my chance at  a dating life or friends. I was distraught when i found this out from my friend. 

I have been thinking about it a lot though. I finally realized how stupid i have been. Why the hell am i doing feeling sorry for myself. I don't know for a fact yet that i have lost this fight. I might be thinking the worst and need to just be strong. I'm going to show this group how much i have fucking changed. I'm a way better person then to spread gossip about someone. So fuck you to who ever says i'm weird and guess what? YES I'm Weird and i'm proud of it! I have my best friend so i must be "normal" enough to have her as a awesome friend.

So i want to say this to who ever is reading this:

You Are AWESOME! Yes You. You are unique and have a great purpose to this life to make a difference somewhere. NEVER let anyone get you down or get inside your head. Don't let the haters hate.

Or the way my Best Friend says it,

"Naysayers Gonna Naysay".

Life is never worth you killing yourself. You may be the creator to the cure to cancer for all you know and your going to end your life over something so trivial.

You have purpose and you are loved. I don't even know you but I Love You. I love your future, past, mistakes, Flaws, everything that makes you, YOU. 

Your Flaws make you perfect. You are a amazing person and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You will get your heart broken, Friends will stab you in the back, Will lose loved ones, But hey this is life. Even though it seems hard now IT FUCKING GETS BETTER. I'm Sorta living proof of this. We all are, Congrats you have lived as long as you have. You so far have not let these things get in the way of where you are now, even if your still in the dark deep hole, all you now have to do is look up and start climbing. It will seem hard and scary but its amazing and well worth it seeing the beauty of this life when you start to live it to the fullest. You can do it! Tommorrow do a good deed, Hold the door open for someone even though they might not say thank you. Give your seat up on the bus or train, pick of a piece of trash, pay for the person behind you in a drive through, say good morning or whatever to a stanger. Your Little actions will be a huge Impact on someone. You might set of a chain reaction that will spread like wild fire. This world needs more of this form of love. Lets Do this.

And no matter what,

                                      And stay YOU.

12.9.12