Losing friends, growing distant, and seeing your friendships start to fail in front your your eyes is a part of life. How to handle this unfortunate instance
is to learn that remembering the good times isn't a bad thing. Memories are a great tool to remind ourselves of all the good times instead of the bad.
For instance a couple nights ago my Best Friend and I were talking about her hanging out with Ms.Blowoff and Mr. Bootcamp's letters. I HATE to my hearts content that he is being selective on who hes writing to and how Ms.Blowoff thinks that he is gonna write to my Best Friend. He SHOULD write to her to apologize again and again. She deserves that.
I'm actually sad he wont write me a letter.. like when he told me i was "important" to him on the Thursday he came over to apologize to me. I sure don't feel very important and more of just forgotten. The worst part is i used to think i was under his category of important. I mean he asked me to prom and i used to hang out with him and his best friend, Just us three like all the time.
But then the "innocent" happened and i didn't pick his side and go running to him like every other person did. I am very happy with the choices i made and the side i took. I got my Best Friend out of this whole ordeal so i'm happy. I always want to be on the right side of things even if i lose friends in the process.
So while thinking about all of these things i became very depressed so i tried to remember all the happy memories i had with him.
The one that struck me the most was our Disneyland adventure. This was like.. I think 2 years ago i want to say but i'm not sure.
So myself, Mr.Bootcamp and my friend "KH" went to California Adventure. I have a huge love for Disney so this was exciting.
Well we went on at the time the new Little mermaid ride which was fun but Mr.Bootcamp completely hated it the entire time which made it even funnier. I also remember while on the tower of terror ride in where you have to watch the little video about the history of the hotel, Mr.Bootcamp decided to try to scare me after the tv "flashes off". HE scared the flying tar out of me!! It was really funny. Later that night we were walking to the "elecTRONica" event that is now some Alice in wonderland thing which is lame but anyway,
i was pretending to act all bratty and junk saying that i didn't wanna walk anymore and just whining about really stereotypical things a brat whines about. So he picks me up and puts me on his shoulders. This was a funny sight to see because one: i'm a VERY short person so me being all of the sudden really tall makes me nervous and freak out and two it was just a lot of fun. Then we went to world of color show.
We had to wait in an area before the show in a designated area according to ticket color. we had to wait for like a hour to 2 hours but the conversation we had was very interesting and hysterical. The show was amazing and we were in the "soak zone" so we were very wet by the end of the show. Us leaving the park after closing was fun too, running around like idiots, having lightsaber battles, Mr.Bootcamp jumping out of bushes scaring people was all super funny.
After thinking about that i'm in a better mood now. It makes me miss the old times but people drift apart and we got to accept that. I can still have those happy memories of that night. Just think of all the happy moments instead of the sad.
Now with telling the truth. For some reason a lot of people struggle with this and i don't understand why.
I personally will always try to tell the truth even if i know ill get screwed for it.
Today i was sitting in my room feeling terrible and dizzy, when my best friend texted me asking if i had told a certain person info regarding her and Mr.bootcamp. I Typed Yes. I did a long time ago when everything was going down. I didn't say much which is why it didn't even cross my mind to tell my best friend about this. So i send my answer feeling like the worst friend and making my insides feel worse with worry and guilt now added to the mix. I would never lie to her ever. I could have said i didn't say anything like most people would, then she would have blamed Ms.FakeFace and i would have gotten away Scott free. But that's not who i am. I tell the truth. So i waited for her response which seconds felt like hours and she responded with why? So i told her why. Then that she still loved me.
I still even now feel guilty of what i did. The only reason i spoke was i thought the certain individual knew what was going on and i really didn't tell her much.
So i'm glad i told my Best Friend the truth. I never wanted to hurt her or make her feel sad for any reason because i would be failing at the job of being a best friend and she deserves to be happy and not unhappy by my own hands.
Now to the religious struggles... yay.
I have been going back and forth whether or not to stay christian or not. In my life the people have wronged have wronged me or hurt me the most besides family have been christian. Most of the time people reflect their religion and i don't know if i want any part in it anymore. sure God may have blessed me for anything good but Satan is the cause for anything bad.. i'm not buying it anymore. NO ONE is the excuse for my flaws except for myself. Sure i may have been "tempted" to do things but its not a excuse to tell people is why i did what i did.
It is on myself and no one else. It makes you look like the biggest idiot to say,"the reason i did what i did is because Satan tempted me". Like seriously?! You did want you did because YOU wanted to.
Sure a lot of people turn to religion during the hard times like i did. BUT my life hasn't really improved rather gotten worse. Sure my dad got a job and other things, but i have lost almost everyone who is important to me and my health is not at its best.
I am now noticing only the flaws with Christianity rather then the good. I guess my "friends" helped me now gain this opinion of the religion. I still go to college groups and do church related things to hopefully fix my new opinions. I just feel everyone i used to talk to about religion has abandoned me.
Also There has just been to much drama in my life surrounding this religion. I have my Best Friend to talk to and my new college group and hopefully that will help. which is good.
But i still say its Ms.FakeFace fault why i'm struggling and wont go to her college group anymore.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Just Sick and Tired of It... 11.8.12
"I'm sick,
I'm sick of fake friends. I'm sick of people pretending to care and love you and then leaving you when you need them. I'm sick of people judging, labeling, and changing.
I'm sick of just sitting here thinking every day and night till dusk just thinking thinking and thinking.
I'm sick of being scared of losing something that was never even mine. I'm sick of crying for people who will never care. I'm sick and tired..
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
With my "friends" i feel like i'm sitting in a room full of people that i love, and you know what? They just don't even care that i love them and i'm hurting. They don't care whether i'm around or not. To them, i'm a another Person who can be easily replaced, just another stranger. To me, They are my closest friends, the only people i have left. A sad reality isn't it. I sit here realizing that my best friend is now getting reacquainted with this group. I can be told i'm not being left behind but in reality it is the sad truth. They talk to her every day while i hear nothing. Sure call me jealous but can i be allowed to be? I keep warning my best friend that these people hurt her to no end in the past yet she keeps bringing them into her life. I want to tell my Best Friend this:
Life is for having fun. Don't be stupid and waste it on someone who is gonna act like they hate you tomorrow. Never waste your precious time. Every person deserves to have a person who they can brag about and always want around not when its only convenient for them. Ever person deserves to have people around them who makes them smile and laugh at their worst moments. Fake friends are like shadows, they are behind you during your brightest moments, but disappear during your darkest hours. You have seen this first hand my best friend when they all left you and i stood by your side the whole way. Its your choice what your gonna do, my words obviously aren't doing anything anymore. I can't tell you what you have to do, its your life...
This message is directed at Ms. Fake face (new nickname for "friend #1") and Ms.Blow off:
You can say sorry a million times, Say you love me as much as you want, say whatever you want, say you want me around, BUT if your not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don't do anything at all. Because if you cant show it, your words mean nothing. Stop wasting my precious time. Your not worth it anymore. I don't have it in me anymore to care and or worry that it is never going be fixed. I'm already feeling sick and terrible everyday and i physically can't do it anymore. I have done my part. The ball is in your court to do something and mean it this time. If not do nothing.
Its currently raining here. I love the rain it reminds me of my best friend which today just makes me sad. I once told her the reasons why the rain reminds me of her. The rain is a beautiful thing that often isn't appreciated, But when you realize it's amazing power to bring life wherever it goes you can see the true beauty that it is. The rain is calming to listen to and when you stand in it, it completely envelops you and leaves its mark on you. My Best friend is my rain.
(Add more later tonight maybe if i feel better)
I'm sick of fake friends. I'm sick of people pretending to care and love you and then leaving you when you need them. I'm sick of people judging, labeling, and changing.
I'm sick of just sitting here thinking every day and night till dusk just thinking thinking and thinking.
I'm sick of being scared of losing something that was never even mine. I'm sick of crying for people who will never care. I'm sick and tired..
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."
With my "friends" i feel like i'm sitting in a room full of people that i love, and you know what? They just don't even care that i love them and i'm hurting. They don't care whether i'm around or not. To them, i'm a another Person who can be easily replaced, just another stranger. To me, They are my closest friends, the only people i have left. A sad reality isn't it. I sit here realizing that my best friend is now getting reacquainted with this group. I can be told i'm not being left behind but in reality it is the sad truth. They talk to her every day while i hear nothing. Sure call me jealous but can i be allowed to be? I keep warning my best friend that these people hurt her to no end in the past yet she keeps bringing them into her life. I want to tell my Best Friend this:
Life is for having fun. Don't be stupid and waste it on someone who is gonna act like they hate you tomorrow. Never waste your precious time. Every person deserves to have a person who they can brag about and always want around not when its only convenient for them. Ever person deserves to have people around them who makes them smile and laugh at their worst moments. Fake friends are like shadows, they are behind you during your brightest moments, but disappear during your darkest hours. You have seen this first hand my best friend when they all left you and i stood by your side the whole way. Its your choice what your gonna do, my words obviously aren't doing anything anymore. I can't tell you what you have to do, its your life...
This message is directed at Ms. Fake face (new nickname for "friend #1") and Ms.Blow off:
You can say sorry a million times, Say you love me as much as you want, say whatever you want, say you want me around, BUT if your not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don't do anything at all. Because if you cant show it, your words mean nothing. Stop wasting my precious time. Your not worth it anymore. I don't have it in me anymore to care and or worry that it is never going be fixed. I'm already feeling sick and terrible everyday and i physically can't do it anymore. I have done my part. The ball is in your court to do something and mean it this time. If not do nothing.
Its currently raining here. I love the rain it reminds me of my best friend which today just makes me sad. I once told her the reasons why the rain reminds me of her. The rain is a beautiful thing that often isn't appreciated, But when you realize it's amazing power to bring life wherever it goes you can see the true beauty that it is. The rain is calming to listen to and when you stand in it, it completely envelops you and leaves its mark on you. My Best friend is my rain.
(Add more later tonight maybe if i feel better)
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Flaws make you Perfect 11.7.12
Excuse the short blog today.. i feel absolutely terribly horrible... when scrolling on Tumblr i found this quote:
Flaws:
Beautiful, perfect flaws. They make us different.
They make us interesting and worth something.
Without them, who would we be? We would
be all the same. And what fun would that be?
Flaws are an adventure. I'm drawn to them.
I embrace them. Flaws make us human
and unique. Flaws are PERFECTION.
After reading this quote i felt an understanding about myself and the people around me. We all live with flaws and i really like that this is what makes us human. You can either learn to love your flaws or figure out how to use them to your advantage.
Sure you can try to change them but in the end, you are changing yourself. Nothing wrong with that but you are in essence are changing what makes you "YOU". Sure there be many reasons you may want to change yourself:
Friends
Popularity
Acceptance
Love
Family
ETC.
But realistically wouldn't you want to surround yourself with people who accept you for you? If you have to Literally change yourself to be accepted by these certain individuals then why is that worth it?
I think i'm struggling with this currently with my friends because some may say i'm a "different person" but in reality I never changed. They just didn't notice my "Flaws" before. Also a lot of them think changing is the right thing to do but we friended each other for the old versions of our selves. So why change now and have problems? I mostly relate to what i'm taking about to "friend number one" from blog 1.
She thinks she is Changing for the better. Yet all of our friends disagree. Even Ms. Blowoff from blog 2 Agrees with this realization. Take my advice, If you have to change yourself to be accepted don't.
Never try to find acceptance. You want it to find you. Perfect example: My best Friend. She would never ask me to change. We never tried to find each other, Heck she used to hate me and never thought we would be even "friends". Now we are the best thing that has happened to each others lives We found each other yet we weren't looking for each other. Acceptance found us.
Flaws:
Beautiful, perfect flaws. They make us different.
They make us interesting and worth something.
Without them, who would we be? We would
be all the same. And what fun would that be?
Flaws are an adventure. I'm drawn to them.
I embrace them. Flaws make us human
and unique. Flaws are PERFECTION.
After reading this quote i felt an understanding about myself and the people around me. We all live with flaws and i really like that this is what makes us human. You can either learn to love your flaws or figure out how to use them to your advantage.
Sure you can try to change them but in the end, you are changing yourself. Nothing wrong with that but you are in essence are changing what makes you "YOU". Sure there be many reasons you may want to change yourself:
Friends
Popularity
Acceptance
Love
Family
ETC.
But realistically wouldn't you want to surround yourself with people who accept you for you? If you have to Literally change yourself to be accepted by these certain individuals then why is that worth it?
I think i'm struggling with this currently with my friends because some may say i'm a "different person" but in reality I never changed. They just didn't notice my "Flaws" before. Also a lot of them think changing is the right thing to do but we friended each other for the old versions of our selves. So why change now and have problems? I mostly relate to what i'm taking about to "friend number one" from blog 1.
She thinks she is Changing for the better. Yet all of our friends disagree. Even Ms. Blowoff from blog 2 Agrees with this realization. Take my advice, If you have to change yourself to be accepted don't.
Never try to find acceptance. You want it to find you. Perfect example: My best Friend. She would never ask me to change. We never tried to find each other, Heck she used to hate me and never thought we would be even "friends". Now we are the best thing that has happened to each others lives We found each other yet we weren't looking for each other. Acceptance found us.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Blowing People Off isn't Worth a Hurricane of Problems... 11.6.12
"Hey we haven't talked or hung out in forever!! When are you free to do lunch? :D"
That was the text message my "friend" sent me about 15 days ago... we agreed that she would text me when she was free from her work situation so we can do our little lunch date. Unfortunately for myself what i have noticed for awhile with this certain individual is a very spur of the moment kind of person and all of her promises/plans are always full of hot air...
You maybe wondering "hey don't get the wrong idea.. she maybe had tons of work to do. There has got to be a explanation " Well the sad fact is she obviously has been free because this person and my best friend had hung out today and i heard from various people that this person has been free. i'm not going to be a pompous jerk and call this person out this fact. So i decided to wait like the supplicatory person that i am.
BUT doing so has put me into this very annoyed, unpositive attitude toward this eventual lunch date. To the point if this individual texted me right now i would probably respond with the sorry fact of too little to late. I mean 15 days is a little to ridiculous to think for this person to believe is logically ok to not to have even texted me at all.
Keep in mind this person blows of my texts constantly and it isn't a shock this is happening. I Find it funny that this individual says, "we haven't talked in forever". Yeah maybe if you grew a few brain cells to think rationally and responded like a normal human being we wouldn't go obscene amounts of time of not communicating I put my part and this person should do the same.
Another thing i have been altercating to myself is that my best friend has been talking and hanging out with people who excruciatingly hurt her in the past. who are these certain individuals you may ask? Oh why the group of "friends" who make me feel worthless of course. Revert to my previous blog to read more on this sorry reality. Take reference to the individual i mentioned above and i introduce her her as the second "friend" in this group of 6 not including myself. so keep patient for the introduction of the other 4.
Anyway back to the sad news of my best friend.
She as i said earlier hung out with the individual who likes to blow me off. The original plan was for them to hangout around noon. So when the certain individual didn't respond to my best friend, she thought the individual was pulling the classic "spur of the moment and full of hot air" game that this individual likes to play.
shockingly i have no clever thoughts on how my best friend got her to respond but they ended up meeting at around 5ish.
I will admit i was jealous that she got a response but not to the actual act of hanging out.
My best friend and I are meeting up today for sushi and i will be filled in on what happened at that time.
But taking a full circle back to the beginning of this stream of consciousnesses i have been on, my best friend has started reconnecting with the "terrible 6", well technically 5 since one is away at boot camp. I now introduce Mr. Boot camp as "friend" number 3.
Why is this so bad you ask. Well to be short,a huge ordeal happened in the group, my best friend and Mr.Boot camp decided to hook up and have sex multiple times. When this came out by the mouth of the friend i mentioned in the first blog, everyone took sides. Why would sides need to be taken you ask? well for something that Mr. boot camp lied about. His lie? Oh that them having sex never happened. So pretty much everyone except myself went against my best friend and took Mr. boot camp's side. The sad reality was my friend was telling the truth that it did indeed happened. So a lot of fighting ensued and my best friends parents came to the rescue because who tells their parents that they had sex to prove a lie? Oh no one of course. Also my best friend had text proof of them planing to meet up and Mr. boot camp saying he was going to deny the crap out of it. So finally with nowhere to run, Mr. boot camp folded and came forward with the truth.
So you can now understand why all these people hurt her so. yet she still is reconnecting with them. Im glad my best friend is a very forgiving person but i think some of them she should keep closer watch on then others. I'm sad to see her get reacquainted with this group while i have to sit back and watch being left out and completely left to feel worthless. This is my "I told you so" to my best friend who told me this would never happen.
I really hope everything will get better and i will hopefully find answers on to what is needed to be done.
(OH on a happy note i get to vote on our nation's next president today! fun fun my first vote.
I'm going to say I voted for Mitt Romney for the fact Obama hasn't done anything these 4 years and him coming forward to say hes going to "allow" gay marriage is a false hope we don't deserve. He knows it will never pass legislature so he can say whatever he wants to get votes. You really want that as our president? I don't really like Mitt Romney either but its better then what we currently have. I'm not even up for discussing politics so don't comment on it. I really don't care. So keep it to yourself.)
That was the text message my "friend" sent me about 15 days ago... we agreed that she would text me when she was free from her work situation so we can do our little lunch date. Unfortunately for myself what i have noticed for awhile with this certain individual is a very spur of the moment kind of person and all of her promises/plans are always full of hot air...
You maybe wondering "hey don't get the wrong idea.. she maybe had tons of work to do. There has got to be a explanation " Well the sad fact is she obviously has been free because this person and my best friend had hung out today and i heard from various people that this person has been free. i'm not going to be a pompous jerk and call this person out this fact. So i decided to wait like the supplicatory person that i am.
BUT doing so has put me into this very annoyed, unpositive attitude toward this eventual lunch date. To the point if this individual texted me right now i would probably respond with the sorry fact of too little to late. I mean 15 days is a little to ridiculous to think for this person to believe is logically ok to not to have even texted me at all.
Keep in mind this person blows of my texts constantly and it isn't a shock this is happening. I Find it funny that this individual says, "we haven't talked in forever". Yeah maybe if you grew a few brain cells to think rationally and responded like a normal human being we wouldn't go obscene amounts of time of not communicating I put my part and this person should do the same.
Another thing i have been altercating to myself is that my best friend has been talking and hanging out with people who excruciatingly hurt her in the past. who are these certain individuals you may ask? Oh why the group of "friends" who make me feel worthless of course. Revert to my previous blog to read more on this sorry reality. Take reference to the individual i mentioned above and i introduce her her as the second "friend" in this group of 6 not including myself. so keep patient for the introduction of the other 4.
Anyway back to the sad news of my best friend.
She as i said earlier hung out with the individual who likes to blow me off. The original plan was for them to hangout around noon. So when the certain individual didn't respond to my best friend, she thought the individual was pulling the classic "spur of the moment and full of hot air" game that this individual likes to play.
shockingly i have no clever thoughts on how my best friend got her to respond but they ended up meeting at around 5ish.
I will admit i was jealous that she got a response but not to the actual act of hanging out.
My best friend and I are meeting up today for sushi and i will be filled in on what happened at that time.
But taking a full circle back to the beginning of this stream of consciousnesses i have been on, my best friend has started reconnecting with the "terrible 6", well technically 5 since one is away at boot camp. I now introduce Mr. Boot camp as "friend" number 3.
Why is this so bad you ask. Well to be short,a huge ordeal happened in the group, my best friend and Mr.Boot camp decided to hook up and have sex multiple times. When this came out by the mouth of the friend i mentioned in the first blog, everyone took sides. Why would sides need to be taken you ask? well for something that Mr. boot camp lied about. His lie? Oh that them having sex never happened. So pretty much everyone except myself went against my best friend and took Mr. boot camp's side. The sad reality was my friend was telling the truth that it did indeed happened. So a lot of fighting ensued and my best friends parents came to the rescue because who tells their parents that they had sex to prove a lie? Oh no one of course. Also my best friend had text proof of them planing to meet up and Mr. boot camp saying he was going to deny the crap out of it. So finally with nowhere to run, Mr. boot camp folded and came forward with the truth.
So you can now understand why all these people hurt her so. yet she still is reconnecting with them. Im glad my best friend is a very forgiving person but i think some of them she should keep closer watch on then others. I'm sad to see her get reacquainted with this group while i have to sit back and watch being left out and completely left to feel worthless. This is my "I told you so" to my best friend who told me this would never happen.
I really hope everything will get better and i will hopefully find answers on to what is needed to be done.
(OH on a happy note i get to vote on our nation's next president today! fun fun my first vote.
I'm going to say I voted for Mitt Romney for the fact Obama hasn't done anything these 4 years and him coming forward to say hes going to "allow" gay marriage is a false hope we don't deserve. He knows it will never pass legislature so he can say whatever he wants to get votes. You really want that as our president? I don't really like Mitt Romney either but its better then what we currently have. I'm not even up for discussing politics so don't comment on it. I really don't care. So keep it to yourself.)
Monday, November 5, 2012
Press Start 11.5.12
Where to start?
I know that probably no one will ever read this blog since i'm not "popular" or "main stream" enough. But that's not my motivation to write.. i hope to leave my mark somewhere for when i'm gone and by giving me something to do everyday.
Let me start with a current problem by saying i have a group of friends that don't really conciser me a friend. Unfortunately we try to find friends for acceptance/love BUT these people make me feel worthless as a individual.
Ill start with the one friend who I'm struggling with the most.
This person who i became friends with 2 years ago is not the person i currently see before me. It hurts my heart to see that my friend has mutated into this terrible, selfish, egotistical person who is just wearing a fake face. Please return the face to its rightful owner. The worst part is this person thinks their changing is for the better... My friend could never be so wrong. To Know this person as one of the most mature of individuals i have ever met to revert to the immaturity of a 10 year old is completely horrifying. I noticed this sad fact when this individual and I had a talk to hopefully to resolve and fix things. To have this person laugh ignorantly at me while explaining my struggles. I'm glad my issues are a huge joke to this individual. Also this person making inappropriate remarks regarding "oh this is stupid (laughs)", by giving the impression i'm not worth this person's time and their stupid smirk really rub me the wrong way..
This person had no right to call me "self absorbed" and "always the self appointed victim". I probably have reasons i feel his way and i for sure didn't spawn the idea of my struggles for the fun of it.. I sit in my room thinking of how to handle this situation almost everyday to become stumped and confused every time. I have never experienced not knowing how to react or solve a problems involving friends. I usually am very wise and intellectual as my reputation being "the pearl of wisdom" has helped me and others in the past. At this point with anyone else i would have ended it, but with this individual i think i don't want it to end because the individual i befriended two years ago and loved means so much to me.. and i hold to the old memories and my eyes are fogged by this.
Am i willing to endure the sight of the fake version of my friend to only hope they will revert back to their old self? I laugh at myself for putting myself into these painful situations. i guess once a self abuser.. always a self abuser right?
I hope to solve this soon...
I hung out with this person and many of the friends in question tonight and i might have seen a glimmer of the old friend that i once knew and received a hug... like seriously where did that come from?!
I just hope my life will get better.
I know that probably no one will ever read this blog since i'm not "popular" or "main stream" enough. But that's not my motivation to write.. i hope to leave my mark somewhere for when i'm gone and by giving me something to do everyday.
Let me start with a current problem by saying i have a group of friends that don't really conciser me a friend. Unfortunately we try to find friends for acceptance/love BUT these people make me feel worthless as a individual.
Ill start with the one friend who I'm struggling with the most.
This person who i became friends with 2 years ago is not the person i currently see before me. It hurts my heart to see that my friend has mutated into this terrible, selfish, egotistical person who is just wearing a fake face. Please return the face to its rightful owner. The worst part is this person thinks their changing is for the better... My friend could never be so wrong. To Know this person as one of the most mature of individuals i have ever met to revert to the immaturity of a 10 year old is completely horrifying. I noticed this sad fact when this individual and I had a talk to hopefully to resolve and fix things. To have this person laugh ignorantly at me while explaining my struggles. I'm glad my issues are a huge joke to this individual. Also this person making inappropriate remarks regarding "oh this is stupid (laughs)", by giving the impression i'm not worth this person's time and their stupid smirk really rub me the wrong way..
This person had no right to call me "self absorbed" and "always the self appointed victim". I probably have reasons i feel his way and i for sure didn't spawn the idea of my struggles for the fun of it.. I sit in my room thinking of how to handle this situation almost everyday to become stumped and confused every time. I have never experienced not knowing how to react or solve a problems involving friends. I usually am very wise and intellectual as my reputation being "the pearl of wisdom" has helped me and others in the past. At this point with anyone else i would have ended it, but with this individual i think i don't want it to end because the individual i befriended two years ago and loved means so much to me.. and i hold to the old memories and my eyes are fogged by this.
Am i willing to endure the sight of the fake version of my friend to only hope they will revert back to their old self? I laugh at myself for putting myself into these painful situations. i guess once a self abuser.. always a self abuser right?
I hope to solve this soon...
I hung out with this person and many of the friends in question tonight and i might have seen a glimmer of the old friend that i once knew and received a hug... like seriously where did that come from?!
I just hope my life will get better.
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