I'm so broken. It has become so obvious. I'm emotionally destroyed and there's nothing to do except to watch myself fall apart. Each day it gets worse and nothing gets better. I'm so alone in this huge vast world and that is really starting to get to me. I always have to remind myself that it is my fault for people not liking me. It is my fault and mine alone. I'm fat and ugly. There is no one to blame but myself. It is so hard because no one knows the real me. No one knows anything about me. No one knows what i have to deal with on a daily basis. They knew me as the bubbly, outgoing, happy girl that i used to be. That is not even close to who i am. That has been my mask. That is just a lie. People tell me that i "need to get over it" but how can get over something so cruel? I will NEVER get over all of the bullying and words said to me. I will never forget the pain i was in. I will never forget the night when i was in so much pain that i had to glide a razor across my skin just so i could get the pain i deserved. I will never forget the day i stuck a finger down my throat to make myself thin. I will never forget the day where i decided only a instant breakfast was the right amount to eat for the whole day. I'll never forget the day my mom told me she was leaving my dad and left me behind.
I will never forget the nights i cried myself to sleep without anyone to tell me it was okay. I won't ever forget about all the scars that remind me of how screwed up and how sad i am. Don't Tell me to get over something you know nothing about. Do you think i like being sad all the time? No i don't but this sadness is all i have left. This sadness has consumed me from the inside out and it's too late to save me from it.
This has lead me to want to commit suicide. I'm someone who wont be missed or remembered.
I'm sick of how i feel. -?/?/09
My Present:
Thee above was something i would have written around my freshman year in high school. When i tried to commit suicide. Luckily i didn't. I'm now a freshman in college. A lot of time has passed since then. I quit the cutting my junior year of high school and most of the scars have faded from the magic power of mederma.
I have grown up a lot from that really pitiful person that i once was. I'm still Little screwed up and sad but i value my life more then ever. I may not love my life but i will never waste it. I have my Best Friend now and my life i hope is starting to move toward the positive and bright future i hope to have.
I really relate to the song "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato.
Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence has its ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
I hope i too can become strong and not let anything tear me down. I need to stay strong. I'm depressed but that i hope to will fade. I'm glad im not where i once was, now there is no where to move but up.
My Future:
It hasn't been decided or happened yet but i do know it is in my power and will be what i make it. I hope it is bright and that i lived my life to the fullest.
12.8.12
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