Why I Feel like $#!% ...... 9-22-13

Have you ever had the feeling of realizing how little worth you possess in this world?
Like if you disappeared tomorrow, how little people would care. 

Forgettable, a loser, worthless, small, sad, lonely, and mostly confused....

These are the scary and sad thoughts i have almost every day.

I have honesty become a very depressed person again.. yet to my family and few people, They would be none the wiser.

All i can think about it how little i matter to people. I have had literally every friend leave me except for one. I'm very lucky to have her. Besides family i have little.
Like do i suck that badly to be treated so horrible?
I have a heart and soul too right?

Does anyone remember me? I'm still here...


I think deep down inside thats why i kinda hate church.. 
I'm just so confused and frustrated right now.
I dont want to be that person who challenges everything yet thats what i am lately...
Everything just sounds so wrong and dumb.
Like now as a women, i feel like i can never be anything to a church because of my sex and that hurts. The week prier we talked about how men should value women and how to live godly as a man. Then last week i learned women have to be a slave to a man and cant be a leader in a church because of Eve being tempted. No how to be with a guy or how to be a godly women like how the guys week discussion was. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED THAT HUGE DIFFERENCE? 
I really wanted to learn about being a godly women... Not what i cant do or what i cant be because i dont sport a penis. It really hurt....

You also see these people, and everything is like nothing has changed or time has passed and you hear, "lets hangout soon".Yet your phone remains silent the whole week.... It makes my already pretty destroyed heart feel weaker.
Seriously if i didn't feel a heart beat i would surely think my heart has given out from all these years of shit. I feel like i have a hole in my chest...
I'm going through one of the most difficult times in my life where i have looked suicide in the face and no one seems to remember to care.
To the individuals at church, i would hope im still alive too. Thank you for checking in on me... not.

Besides Kenzie i have had no one text me or try to get a hold of me. I can kinda understand why they didn't, im replaceable and forgettable.

I get invited to hang out with matt once and never hear from him since... story of my life. 
Im sorry im not ready to face the crappy people you decided to invite...


When am i going to not feel so empty inside?
When can i be worth something?
Am i even worth it to god anymore?


I pray multi times daily and i am trying harder with my bible yet thats only getting me so far...
when can my life start and not feel like the tinman looking for a heart, the lion looking for courage and the scarecrow looking for a brain..

Coward.. 7.24.13

You know that awkward moment when you still blog every day we don't have the courage or the confidence to post them. All that's what I've been going through the past while...

When I get the confidence I will post them.... I during my absence my life has been anything but good, have had a lot on my mind and a lot on my plate, some falling outs and just down right depression.

I sincerely apologize for my hiatus

7.24.13

Im So Fucked Up And Yes I'm Back.. But Who Cares.. 3.28.13

So im back....
It really has been while hasn't it?
A lot has happened since i have been gone but nothing sadly is better.

Bottom line:
I Have Given Up.

There is the sad truth. I want to give up on life.
I'm so unhappy everyday its excusting....

How could I be such a worthless Piece of space. In all honesty I just feel so alone.

Let's recap how the year that was supposed to be my year has gone.

The last day of last year I ended my friendship with my best friend. She have lied to me for the last time and I honestly couldn't take it anymore. Then like two weeks later we patched things up and tried to make things work. Things were going great for a while and now they're kind of back to the worst again.
We have days were really good friends and it's amazing to days like today where I don't even know what's going on.

Another just horrible moment is my best friend is very involved with the asshole group. I honestly have no words to even express how I feel about the situation. You're perfectly allowed to call me jealous but it's more the fact they treat her like shit and she does nothing about. Ms.blow off is now dating Mr. BootCamp and it's really awkward. The reason my best friend is Subjecting herself to that... I have no idea.
I can kind of understand her from the point of how much I would like to be back with this group but she has so much more wounds with this group than I do. It just hurts me because she always complains to me and tries to ask me to help her figure it out yet all the advice I give her or she tells me she's going to, She does the exact opposite. She goes from I hate Ms.blowoff and Ms.fakeface, they are horrible, I'm done with them and I never want to see them again to the next night they're all hanging out and all best friends. It's really dumb.

I honestly don't understand anymore.


Another blow to my "extremely happy life" I had someone steal a Shit ton of money from me. And the only prime suspect that I have is this Ms.blowoff. I honestly don't want talk about it just sucks way too much.

Moving on..

Sadly I wanted to kill myself last week.
I am really ashamed to say so Which doesn't make me feel any better.
How can I just be so worthless as a person. This is the question I keep asking myself every day. I feel like I have no friends, I'm always alone, I am depressed and I'm just honestly just the most unhappy I have ever been in my entire life.
Sure I have my best friend most days and my good friend Kenzie but who can Say they will stay Friends with me? My track record shows me that this probably won't be the case.
I'm going to end up alone.

I am almost 20 fucking years old and I've done nothing with my life.
If that doesn't make me pathetic I don't know what does.
I am literally not gone a day without crying myself to sleep.

As I hit my keyboard with my fingertips tears shed down my face.

I feel like I have knots in my stomach all the time. I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. And when people don't respond to me it makes it so much worse.

Like today my best friend and i had another one of our "fight things" that we go through. I don't want to get into the details of it but pretty much she came over spent the night, we talked about things said she's Would change things then the next day went back on her word. Which really pissed me off. Also we have been talking about getting our ears pieced and she Went out with my two least favorite people on the planet and got it done without me.

That hurt me so fucking much.

When am I going to be worth anything to anybody. I am easily forgotten about and I honestly am not going to live the rest my life like this. I would rather just not be here.
People tell me I need to try to focus on the positives of my life but with all the negative's I have it becomes impossible. It's my puzzle that will never be solved.
I am missing so many pieces it's not even possible to complete.

I feel like an empty shell that I once was without sounding to emo. I am honestly not even myself anymore. The happy-go-lucky, giggly, funny, over excitable person I once was is dying and fading away.
I just want to fade away.
And that is fucking terrifying...

What am I supposed to do.
I've reached out to so many people and no one has help me find this answer.
I tell people my problems to only get I'm sorry, never advice, never any help.

IN ALL HONESTY I NEED HELP FROM SOMEONE!

Anybody I don't care who I just need answers. I can't keep going through my life like this and I'm not to be around much longer if it continues.

If you're reading this blog and have any thing you feel you have anything to say please leave a comment you can be anonymous I don't care.
I just need someone out there to tell me it will get better. And just help me.

I'm sick of who I am. I'm sick of being me and I'm ashamed to be me...


I'm so mad at myself that I always make my best friend Hate me.
Like tonight I'm just killing myself waiting for an answer.
I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I get to absorbed with my emotions and I don't think. I honestly did mean what I had to say today but maybe I should just kept it to myself.
I should gave just ignored it and let it kill me from the inside but still have her.
I feel like shit..... Fuck me

Why am I so fucking stupid.
That is the question of the day.
I just honestly can't do anything right.

When is it going be my turn for people to actually start to care for me.
My best friend is lucky enough to get that from my old group.

When Will I Be Worth It?

When am Ever going to be blessed enough to experience the same?
Because I feel by the time anyone starts to care I'm going to be gone.

I'm really scared.

I've admitted to myself that I do need help. I just don't know when I'm going to get it or if I will ever get it.
I am so emotionally screwed up.
So very much screwed up.


I can honestly say I now know the term that nothing truly lasts forever.

And life is no exception.
3.28.13