Our Anchors Will Make Us Drown 11.30.12

We carry these things inside us

That No one else can see

They hold us down like Anchors

They drown us out at sea.

I love this poem.

It signifies that if you let your probelms run your life it will ruin you. It will effect all your emotional levels and it will consume you if you let it.

The word Drown makes me think of being overwhelmed and feeling like you can't escape.

 Also at times when my problems are at their greatest, i feel like i can't breath.

                             As If I Am Drowning.....

If you let problems become like heavy anchors, they will hold you back. It will be hard to shake these anchors and you will feel like the heavy weight of them but they will break or over time rust away.                               You will be free.... 

I know i have many anchors. Many have rusted away but i have added new ones in their places.

I have some that have become fixed and harder to remove. I have some that are heavier then others and i have some so small i barley notice them, but bother me when noticed.

Most are worries, fears, sadness, pain, hurt, loss. My largest one is being lonely or just feeling like i don't belong anywhere.

But My heaviest one is my worries about my health.

Am i going to get better? Is it not what i think it is? Is it worse then that? Will this last forever? Am i never going to feel normal again? Why am i always dizzy? Will my doctor visit go bad? Is my life going to be short?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

All day everyday,

These are the anchors i bare.

11.24.12

The Big Picture.. That I Cut Myself From 11.29.12

I'm sitting here realizing something i should have figured out already. I'm disappointed in my intelligence for not being able to configure this reality previous in time. The Big Picture of: 

 Why Am I Still Friends With These Deficient People?


These people include:
Ms.FakeFace, Mr.BootCamp, Ms.BlowOff, Mr.Playboy, And various other people.
I'm angry with myself for getting too emotionally involved and for allowing them to get so far under my skin that it was painful to try to pull their thorny vines from where they had grown in. Too much blood, pain and tears were spilled for this group.
I know now i need to just cut them away. I may still 
have some vines left but at least the connections will be severed. I feel like a grade *A* idiot for crying so many times over this group. Feeling so afraid to lose their friendships that i reverted to the helplessness of a baby and just cried.
I cried multiple times to Ms.FakeFace to have her ask me why they were that important. It wasn't her fault for asking such a stupid question. It is my fault for making friends such stupid people. 
My heart needs to grow again.
There has been a black void where my heart once laid. I need to have it become full of love, happiness and positive feelings again.
I need to fill the cracks and voids that this group has ripped from their rightful places in my heart.
I'm not being a depressed waste of space, i'm being realistic. None of these people besides my best friend and Mr.TooFarAway (intro coming soon) have reached out to me. 
When i say reach out i mean text me to talk not to let me know everyone is hanging out.
I mean a "hey you have been on my mind lately and we need to fix out friendship before it fizzles out."
But i'm just Humoring to myself. I know this will NEVER happen. I need to realize the true reality of the matter and wake up. 

There is this matter that has been hurting me lately which is that Mr.Bootcamp has been writing letter to everyone except myself and My Best friend.
It really hurts... I though i mattered.
                                                        Guess Not..
So i now know i want nothing more to do with Mr.BootCamp anymore. When he comes home i will not see him. If i was worth a small minute of his time he would have written me a letter.
But whatever the bridge is burned and his vines have been cut. I Have Moved On For The Better.

Now i'm going to talk about another person i haven't introduced yet. 
Mr.PlayBoy ladies and gents.

When i say playboy i don't mean the sexy magazine full of girls. I mean a boy who is a HUGE flirt and leads everyone on. A boy who plays everyone.
Continuing on, I met Mr.PlayBoy the first time i went to my OLD church. He was sweet, really good looking, and just really nice. We really hit it off well. we talked for while nonstop and he would sometimes pick me up before church groups and we would hangout a lot.   I really liked him.. Like really really liked him. It might have what people call being in love. I unfortunately have never been in love so i cant say what i was feeling was that.
And at the time i thought he really liked me too.. My Big Mistake, but anyway, 
I though it would be a great idea to bring my sister to church with me. My other mistake.
He pushed me to the curb and started exclusively only talking to my sister. I was old news.
And i knew he really liked her.
It was the most painful boy experience i have ever experienced. He stopped liking her when he found out she smoked. 
I decided to never try with Mr.PlayBoy again. It inst worth the heart break.
I know he would never like a person like me. No one will ever like a person like me.
Mr.PlayBoy suffers from what you might call "The New Girl" syndrome. Whoever is the newest girl added to the mix is, he shows feelings toward that person until he finds something wrong with her or just until the next girl comes along.


It has been hard lately because hanging out with Mr.PlayBoy has forced me to watch him lead girls on over and over again. This happened to Ms.BlowOff even after me warning her. and now he has or had his eyes set on my Best friend. The newest edition to the group.
How terrible would that have been. To watch my dearest closest friend date the boy who i used to have great feelings for. That would have been a living hell on earth. BUT i would have supported her because i always want her to be happy and will always have her back. It would have stabbed my heart to see them together but my Best friends happiness would have been worth that.
I think i realize that i'm never going to be a guys first pick. I'm always in the shadows behind all the beautiful girls everywhere.


Why Am I So Thick Skinned?

These people aren't really my friends and i should have figured this out along time ago. I am gaining nothing being these people's friends.
I think i need to do is wait a tad bit longer to see if i have to nip in it the bud if nothing proceeds to progress. I have waited this long, why not a little more?
I think the reason i'm still waiting for a change is for the following reasons:
I miss the old versions of my friends.
I don't have many friends left to spare.
I want to be around my Best Friend so i will have to put up a act to hangout with the group. 
I'm really lonely.
Most of all i have a false hope,
But what else is new?

11.23.12

The Trick That Brings Me Out of a Funk EVERY TIME. 11.22.12

What is my secret to happiness?
I search for pictures and Gifs of Baby Bunnies.
Works Every time. Your argument is invalid.

11.22.12

안녕하세요! Hola! Hallo! And Hello! My Blog Has Gone International. 11.21.12

I looked at my overview today... I usually don't look that often because my page count is really depressing... But i saw i have visitors from,
Germany, Spain, South Korea, and the United states.
WOW this made my day!!

For German readers:
Hallo! Willkommen zu meinem Blog! Ich bin sehr glücklich, Sie zu deutsche Leser hier.

For Spanish readers:
Hola! Bienvenido a mi blog! Estoy muy feliz de lectores españoles aquí.

For Korean readers:
안녕하세요! 내 블로그에 오신 것을 환영합니다! 난 아주 한국어 독자가 기쁘게 내 블로그를 읽어보.

For English readers:
Hello! Welcome to my blog! I am so happy to have English readers here.

I really much do enjoy that people in other countries are reading my blog. The world is a amazing place and i hope to travel it someday.
I'm going to write more personal blogs in different languages in the future.
So look forward to that!

11.21.12

My Life as a blogger (Picture Summery #1) 11.20.12

Goddammit this is me.... Hahahaha 

11.20.12

Reality 11.19.12

Sometimes
I feel As Though No One Realizes Their Actions And How It Effects Others In Their Lives.
How Damaging They Can Be.
I'm Just Left To Internally Scream. Unable to Escape.
And As Always,
I Can't Change Much Anyway..

11.19.12

Everyone Deserves Someone Who Makes Them Look Forward To Tommorrow 11.18.12

Its One of those moments that everyone goes through. I wishing to have a person who would text them everyday saying that they are beautiful and amazing. I am i one of those funks wishing i had a boyfriend. I have been single for so long its starting to get to me. I used to not care about dating or whatever. But being in a relationship is everywhere and i am always being reminded of that i'm single.
Either on Tumblr with the cute couples. My sister having her boyfriend over which makes me feel lonely  Thinking back to every guy who i lied who didn't give me the time of day or that we just ended terrible. I even go to the store and see couples together to just the simple sign of a wedding ring. This has become a terrible habit of mine. If i see a cute boy i always look at his ring finger or look for a girl tided to his waist. I feel like i'm going to be single forever unforgettably. I'm 19 years old and never loved. In today's world of standards that's "really sad". I feel like i'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I might as well settle on a really ugly guy because that's all i have to pick from. I feel like everyone and their mom is dating or has had someone they loved. I'm just left alone to feel shitty about myself.
When will a good guy come alone and sweep me off my feet. Its always bottom feeders or just guys who want to have me. Why cant i be good enough? Yes i know i'm not sexy or hot, but i'm not that ugly either.. at least i hope i'm not.
So i feel like my depression is getting worse day by day.. I just Feel So                                                                                       Alone
11.18.12

First Day of I Hope to be Many 11.17.12

This is my first "happy" blog.
Surprising right?
Today started off with me waking up at 2:23 pm. I didn't sleep well last night but i never do so its ok.
I got ready to go out to a dinner i have been stressing about. my cousin's 17th birthday party. I didn't want to get terrible in the middle of my cousins dinner. So at 4:30 i got picked up from my house and we were on our way to Bjs pizza and brewery.
Upon arriving to the patio for my cousins dinner she looked from talking to her friends to see me. A huge smile arrived on her face and got up from the table to give me a huge hug. It was a surprise that i was coming. They didn't tell her and that made my night. She loved the presents i made her. I made her a bookmark and painted her a picture. After dinner we went to see Wreck it Ralph. Umm Cutest movie ever! It was amazing.
Tonight i felt like my cousin and i became closer and i hope she texts me soon so we can hang out. Tonight was just awesome. I hope more nights like this happen. Without the dizziness please haha

11.18.12

Too Many Words 11.16.12

Ok so immense frustration time.
Have you ever had a person treat you like tar and you have only treated them with friendly respect and love? We'll for some reason i have one of these problems of a person leached to me.
I have no idea what is going on in this person's mind. Can anyone guess who this person is?
Well lets play a game to try to guess who it is.
Ok for starters i have mentioned this person in my blog. I have mentioned that they changed for the wrong. They are really frustrating. I feel like this person is playing games with the wrong person. They are FAKE... if that didn't give it away u need to go reread my blogs haha. Yup its ding ding ding Ms.FakeFace! Shocking shes in my blog again isn't it? I SWEAR I'm not obsessed with her... shes just a problem i have on my mind and i cant even express how frustrated i am that i cant fix this problem. Whats the problem you ask? This individual is fake and heartless. Sure she may wears the face of the past amazingly loving friend i once had. But sadly she is the empty shell of that person.
I have never done wrong to her. She sure acts like i have gave her hell all of her life lately. I have had My Best Friend ask her whats up with how shes treating me so terrible to have Ms.FF say, "don't get involved, its none of your problem." Then drop the conversation. Are You Freaking Kidding Me. She needs to at least tell someone why shes being a huge if i may say immature brat to me. Like I'm the person who she is treating like this and i have no idea why shes being like this. Like when I'm with the group, (who i have not heard of since that last blog) she acts all nice and hugs me, but when its just the two of us her true colors show. She has no right to be treating me like she had been. I haven't talked to her recently so i cant say she has done anything recently but I'm going off the past few conversations and in person encounters i have had with her. I'm getting to the point if i was to talk to her i would probably lash out at her. She just doesn't get it. I have been thinking back to when all the sex drama was going on and i stood up to her and called her out for being stupid for not believing My Best Friend. Also called bullshit on her "not taking sides" Suuuure tell your little black heart that to make help make you feel better about yourself you little Bitch. Yeah you heard me ms.FF. Gosh you make me laugh! What the hell have i EVER done to you? Oh BTW your dad is really shitty at his job. I never dis adults ever! But this is my special case. HIS job is a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR and he cant tell if someone is lying to his face? May god save the queen on that one. Are you shitting me? I'm not some fancy investigator and i was able to tell the bastard was lying. Woot woot yeah I'm kinda awesome. Just kidding i suck at life but I'm becoming slowly ok with that.

Ms.FF if i ever get the chance to say this to your face i hope i have the courage.
I want to say this:
E****,
You have been a terrible friend. What the heck is wrong with you? You have become this person who is not you. The old you was not this egotistical freak with a stupid brain. yes i just called you stupid. Why are you treating me like this? What have i ever done to you? Sure i stood up to you but i had my friend's back when u left her for dead for i boy i know u probably have weird feelings for. Which is why i secretly think u tried to destroy My Best Friend so you wouldn't have her for competition. My sister is the one who helped me with this. She said your instagram makes you sound obsessed with him. Well your never gonna have a chance with him because he hates what u have become and how for someone who "moves on and forgets" Truly you will never this incident let this die. I know if they are ever together you will never let them be with out you babysitting. Also YOU sold him and My Best Friend out to your dad to "help them". How in gods name did your brain  come to that conclusion to think that was a good idea? Yeah your gonna tell your dad everything and he wont do anything about it? Why did u involve yourself? I was involved beacause i had to say the truth and give My Best Friend a voice. Why couldn't you either have kept it to your self like a REAL friend would have or brought it to the group? Your a idiot sweety.
I still don't understand what i EVER did to you. This game your playing really isn't fun anymore. Its a joke. I really hope you figure your self out because i promise you NO ONE likes the new you. Sure ill have the balls to say it to your face. NO ONE likes what u have become. I mean your laughing, snide comments and making faces during our talk. Yeah your a terrible and immature person. Never in my life have i seen the most mature person i have ever met resort to the maturity of that of a 10 year old. Oh and That weird personality you have downloaded. You must have gotten virus unfortunately and fried your circuits.
I'm really upset at you. Please tell me what your problem is!



My Best Friend I'm going to be honest for like 1 minute. I beg that you don't get mad for what I'm about to say.

I dont understand when u say undecided with Ms.FF when on instagram/facebook you guys post hearts and smiles all the time to each other. Either be her friend while she treats me like garbage or tell her that you don't like how shes treating me and have my back to help me fix it. It really upsets me that your talking to her while shes being a bitch. Remember when i went to her house and yelled some sense into her until she talked to me and i didnt let the "its none of my buisness" thing slide. All the while she had her back turned on you? Well the roles have now switched and you seem to be really close with her.
I love you so much and your my most valuable friend... the above isn't said in anger at all. I'm just expressing my hurt and concerns about this. I'm just having a hard time understanding it.... I have typed this passage like 9 times erasing it each and every time.. I hope I'm allowed to be honest lovely. I'm a coward that's why i wrote it in my blog... I know you tried to talk to her but i hope you remember i didn't care about what happened to her and my friendship to the point i yelled at her for you. I was kinda hoping you would have my back...
This is what i have been struggling with and why i have been acting weird and off lately. You being busy hence your distance did not help either but i understood.
I'm just becoming this worthless person. I just wish you could help. I know I'm a idiot and make all the wrong choices from thinking with my emotions and over react to everything. BUT i know somehow our friendship will last. We are forever friends. As that song said,
 
Wherever you go just always remember
That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low just call me whenever
 
This is my oath to you

Wherever you go just always remember
You're never alone, we're birds of a feather
And we'll never change no matter the weather
 
This is my oath to you

AD INFINITUM <3

11.16.12

Being Real and Being Saved 11.15.12

While on Youtube, one of the people i am subscribed to posted a video about his fears of currently making videos and thinking he has been letting has fans. In the middle of the video he said the blow quote:

After hearing him speak those words i paused the video and just sat there. Those words were the truth of what i have been struggling with lately. They hit me right at home.

Every Person, Deep Down, Whether They Are Willing To Admit It Or Not, Just, They Want Other People To Like Them.

I actually became a little emotional over it. I just sat there thinking of all the following:

For all those people who i wish could have accepted me.. All the friends that i have lost and are losing. All the horrible people that made high school hell for me. All the snide remarks. Terrible nicknames. The ones ignorant to how hard i had it at home. To The ones who were so much better then me to care less that my mom used to hit me and has a anger problem.
All the pain those people caused me to the point i almost did them a favor by ending my life. I just want to belong somewhere.
To have people who will be proud to announce me as their friend. People who wont play games with my fragile heart. Someone who would reach out to me like all the people i have done so to. Someone to realize how much i'm hurting. Just so much hurt in my heart. Someone who will stand up with me and fight all these battles. Someone to tell me that i'm just enough. Someone who wont easily replace me. Just to be loved. 
I just want people to accept me for who i am. I want to meet people who will want to be with me, respond to my texts after a reasonable amount of time or just giving me the decency to even responding at all, without me having to ask for one.
Someone who will never blow me off regardless of how busy they are. Someone who can love me..
Someone to tell me everything will be ok and just make me feel like this life is worth living.
I want a boyfriend who likes me for me and not my body. I'm sick that is always about my breasts and my body. I want him to like me first and not be my sisters constant sloppy seconds. I want to feel beautiful... Most of all just ACCEPTANCE.
Im sick of feeling so alone all the time. Sure i have been invited out these past nights but can i truly call some of them my friends? tonight and tomorrow are with people i hardly know.. i got invited out last night with my Best Friend and Ms.BlowOff but i got terrible and couldn't go.
All of this just sounds like me being a depressed lump on the log, but i'm actually pretty emotionally decent right now but bothered by something at the moment. I'm just being honest and real.



                      I'M JUST SO ALONE.




Last night i decided while praying to god i would ask to be re saved and to have him hold me and heal me. I prayed for probably like 2 hours, crying the whole time. I just felt so broken, I am a shell of the old person i used to be and i feel just as fake as Ms.FakeFace. I'm not the extremely happy and always positive person i have always been. The giggly, didn't care what the world thinks, and the one who was on a bright path toward to the future. Lately i have been treading on the dark path of no return. I just have felt so worthless and i became to realize that my life is nothing and what am i even doing anymore.. I asked god to give my life a purpose and to heal me. I needed god to rescue me. I couldn't take my dizziness anymore. So after i finished praying i felt amazing last night. I even felt better today but still little yucky but i didn't sleep enough last night. So i am now going to defiantly put all my effort and try to be a Christian again. I am truly lucky to have a god who loves me so and who would save someone as worthless as I. 


11.15.12

My Life Is No Longer My Own.... 11.14.12

I feel like i am no longer in control of my life. This week i have been invited to so many things that i cant even fathom it. YET i have felt the worst i have ever felt this week. I feel like i have no luck at all. I finally started "having a life" yet i cant leave home. My father said i will be able to go see the doctor in a week. So that is amazing to me and i hope that really happens. I Feel Terrible!! Feeling dizzy all the damn time.  I have been feeling this way for a month and two days. That is way too long.  I feel like i am no longer in control of my life...
I got invited out tonight to hang out with Ms.BlowOff (shockingly) and My Best Friend. I was really excited i got invited. I really wanted to go for one it sounded really fun. Also i really want to mend the friendship between Ms.BlowOff and myself so tonight would have been my chance at doing so...but unfortunately, of course, i wasn't feeling good. So i told them maybe next time. Needless to say i got really frustrated with how i have been feeling and with everything in my life so finally caved in and cried. I sat on my sisters bed with my sister and her boyfriend hugging me and i just cried. Tonight was the first night i have ever cried about whatever is wrong with me. I have been really stressing about it and i seriously couldn't take it anymore.. so like the weak, worthless person that i am i just cried. I wasn't a ugly cry or a sobbing cry but i just a small cry. I felt really blessed to have my sister and her boyfriend with me. They even brought home Yogurtland for me. I'm just so frustrated that i no longer have the rights to my life and whatever that is wrong with me rules over it.
I don't believe its all in my head. I could be very optimistic and feeling great to have it blow up in my face... well my head.

I'm also invited to go out tomorrow night, the next night and the night after that. SERIOUSLY why all now?!? Why cant i just feel completely fine so i can go out? I'm so afraid to leave my house now from me getting disorientated and dizzy is becoming way to often. Luckily i will hopefully see if My Best Friend will go with me tomorrow night or the next night. My dad is getting a new car with prepaid gas from his  new work sometime this week. So he will also be able to pick me up if i need him to. Which would help since i get worried when i get terrible in my head and cant get home. My biggest worry is i'm supposed to go out with my step cousin's family for her birthday and we will be in a restaurant setting so i need to be completely ok because i cant just leave in the middle of it. I am super excited for the gifts i'm giving her. They are all hand made and i worked really hard on them. I hope she likes them.


On a random note, i saw this quote on Tumblr and it stuck out to me for many reasons. I retyped it exactly as it looked:




A
LL
THE
THIN
GS YO
U THOU
GHT WER
E  TRUE W
ERE  JUST :
YOUR EYES'
IDEAS OF HO
W YOU SHOUL
D SEE ONE LITT
LE  SLICE  OF THI
S GIGANTIC,  MAG
ICAL WORLD OF OU
RS. DO NOT BE CONT
ROLLED BY  PERCEPT
ION: TAKE CONTROL O
F HOW YOU READ REAL
ITY, IN  ALL  ITS  BEAUTY

                                      -KR12

I liked the way it looked for starters. Its looks and the meaning of the quote mesh together and it literally shows what it says. Amazingly intuitive if i may say. I need to open my eyes and see the world. Not just believe what i think i have seen or just what i have seen in books. Like i have never seen  snow fall in real life. I have seen it snow barley and if for 2 minutes at that when we were leaving big bear. i have seen it on tv or in pictures. I want to see it in real life really bad. I want to really see it, not the joke of it i saw in big bear.
I need to go out and see and i mean Really see.


11.14.12

Stress is a just Caged Bird 11.13.12

"I get paranoid sometimes and i'm convinced everyone hates me. I have been told i just have social anxiety. I think i'm just smart enough to know the face of human nature is so horrifyingly ugly."

Ill admit that i constantly stress about  what others think of me. Whether i'm pretty enough, acting normal, or even just good enough.
Stress is a apart of life. 
Today i went to college groups with out my side kick in crime: My Best Friend.
She wasn't feeling good so i went solo.
The entire time i felt like my dizziness was going to take over my life because i seriously cant go outside anymore.
The worst part was i felt stuck there... like i didn't have my best friend to take me home if things got terrible.
By the end of the night i ended up having a great time once i let that i was feeling sick go and that is ok. I KNOW its not all in my head but i need to learn how to live with it until it gets better.
I often resort to this quote:
"Don't Stress about it.
Just think of it as a caged bird being set free. You'll worry about the bird and how its handling things, but you know you did the right thing and you just have to trust that things will turn out all right."

On a positive note.
My Best Friend and I are ok.
Oh Great Mother Of Jesus Christ!! This is the best news ever. I seriously thought i ruined the best thing i had in my life. I am so happy!
Sorry for the short blog. its 11:58 and i ran out of time.... Shoot

11.13.12

I Fucked Up And I'm Sorry 11.12.12

I fucked up last night

I always do this......

Why can't i just think like a rational person for once

in my life?

Why can't i do anything right?

Why did i freak out?

Even though you said things are fine you won't return communication.

Why did things get like this?

What happened?

Why couldn't just me be good enough?

I'm sick to my stomach that i may have ruined the best thing i ever had.

I hope to talk to you tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you.

I hope i can fix things.

I still don't feel like everything's ok...

Please talk to me..............

Our conversations have become like what it would be with Ms.BlowOff.

                                            One Sided.....

For What Its Worth... I'm Really Sorry....

I Know I Fucked up....My Best Friend.

11.12.12

Beauty is Only Skin Deep...Yeah Right. 11.11.12

Am I beautiful?
This is the question I ask myself on a daily basis. Comparing myself to
literally everyone gorgeous. Looking in the mirror to be disappointed every time. Always feeling self conscious about myself. Why
should I? I live up to society's standard of being hot: Skinny, huge boobs,
green/gray/blue eyes, and blond.

Why can't i be good enough?

But what am I more then that? My face isn't that attractive as my nickname back
in school, "but.her.face", showed what everyone thought of me. Also if my
insides reflect on the outside, I'm shown as a self conscious, sad, lonely,
shameful person. Heck I have been single forever, my sister and about everyone
is dating or talks about sex. I'm just sitting her saying cool story guys I
can't really add. Sure my old party days and all the crap from that totally
doesn't remind me of everything I'm ashamed of.

I'm just ashamed of myself.

All the people I know tell me that I'm pretty or cute or have a great body but
now I know I don't think I am worth anymore then that. Heck my own friends don't
want anything to do with me. All the crushes I have ever had never looked my way
and those who I dated or kissed it ended bad or I only said yes to help deny my
feelings of never experiencing what people my age have experienced.

I am a loser.

That is what I know and what I have accepted. I mean what don't I have that all
the girls on my Tumblr dashboard have? Oh the looks, the thick hair, the
"perfect" body, the sexiness, the long legs, being tall, or just looking my own
age.
I have never in my life been told I'm HOT or SEXY. Always cute or small. I have
been told I have a vibe that tells boys, "look but don't touch", or
,"Inexperienced". And to this day I'm still bothered with that fact. Is this why
boys won't come near me... Do I have to seem easy to bring the boys to the yard?
I'm ashamed whenever I am with people I'm always the single person with no one
to flirt with... I don't really have any action at the moment and anything that
swings my way isn't my type at all or just junk. Why is it always me who
attracts the non hot specimen of men? Am I too nice to everyone and it comes of
as flirting..  I just enjoy being nice and treating everyone equal. It isn't
that person's fault hes unattractive. I get that But I'm sorry if your not my
type. But my type of guy would never even look my way. I have seen this in the
past many times. But That's how I truly feel when I get attracted by certain
men. I can't change it! It's who I am and what I like.
I hope maybe someday I'll be given the miracle of a guy who sees more then just
my body. I have no idea if my personality sucks too. I'm just sick of how I feel
about myself. Like I sometimes sit in my room like a loser and cry or the old me
would cut myself.

EVERY POSITIVE COMMENT TOWARD ME IS ALWAYS ABOUT MY BODY AND NOTHING MORE THEN
THAT!!!!
What the fuck is so wrong with me? Why cant I be good enough like how Ms.
BlowOff, Ms.FakeFace and my Best Friend are? I'm so jealous of them... Just so
very jealous. All have amazing things going for them in their own ways and don't
have problems with attracting guys. My Best Friend has the added bonus of an
amazing awesome personality and the confidence I wish I had. She's also just so
gorgeous and doesn't need tons of makeup to show off all she has. She just has
this power to her that radiates off of her. And doesn't have the crappy vibes I
have been told I have...

I wish I didn't need to get a guy to make myself feel different then I do. I
wish I could just accept what I got and not the reality of what I currently
think and feel about myself. I have been sucked into what society thinks is hot
and what's not. I'm just sad and unattractive... With a crappy personality with
a non fun vibes. Awesome huh boys, I'm free and available but don't worry I'm
going to be on the market for a long time... with a bonus  of Forever.

11.11.12

My Tumblr Dashboard Made Me Do This. 11.10.12

Last night i felt absolutely terrible. My health unfortunately isn't improving... I just need to hope for insurance soon so i can go see a doctor. What i have cannot be cured with out prescribed meds.
So last night my Best Friend came over to visit me!
Even though i was gross and could barley understand and comprehend a lot of what she was saying i loved just her presence with me.
It made my night that out of the blue she was like,"hey can i come over :D".
She lives sorta far away so it rocked that she came over at like 10:30 and stayed till like 1 am. We talked about my religious struggles and various other things. I was very happy with her being with me!


While scrolling on Tumblr a lot of quotes kept appearing on my dashboard. This got my mind flying on various thoughts. Some of what i have been thinking about lately.  Here are some of the ones that caught my attention.

"I'm in that type of mood where i hate everyone except like one or two people, but i think those people probably hate me so just UGH fuck everything!"

Ok so when reading this quote i was in complete agreement with the premise of it. I can totally relate to it except i know i have 3 people who i believe don't hate me. My Best Friend, my sister and her bf which is more like the brother i never had.
I am very much in a mood where i hate people in general. Most are terrible creatures who only care for themselves and are very dark at heart. Sure they're are many who say they aren't but when was the last time you went out of your way to reach out to someone you know is struggling and say,"Hey i have been thinking about you and i'm always here if you need me". I For sure am always doing this. I did it yesterday to be more precise.  I was the person who always reached out to the kid no one talked to and stood up for the bullied. My Best Friend can vouch for this when i hear something about someone that isn't true or i don't see fit i will confront the individual and tell them how ridiculous they are being to the point that i don't care if i'm going to lose them as a friend. (EX: Me Vs Ms.FakeFace for my best friends sake)
Try to not follow the standard of being awful and make someones day.

"Remember that i love you,
Remember that i care about you,
Remember that i'm here for you,
Remember that you're not alone,
Remember that You are loved,
And if you kill yourself, 
You will kill apart of me."

This is the quote or a different version similar of this is what i try to remember when i tread along that dark path. I also tell the ones who are not to far behind the same message so they can either walk back with me or keep going toward the place no one returns. The most permanent change we can make in our life. The thing with suicide, it looks like a great answer to everything terrible in life, but
You aren't just hurting yourself your hurting everyone who loves you in your life. I had a friend of the age of 16 recently try to kill herself when her boyfriend of 3 months broke it off with her. I couldn't even fathom when she told me this. I couldn't even believe the extreme idiocy of her. It was the closest i have ever set a hand to someone. I mean are you kidding me? Your going to end your life based on a boy leaving you after 3 short months? This kids is why having sex or playing around the bases at a young age can be a terrible thing. YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT.  
Wait until your at least 18.You can argue with me on this but this is my opinion. Whenever sex is involved for a girl, she will become 85% more emotionally involved then the boy. So wait as long as possible before hooking up young ladies. It wont be as easy as it seams. especially if you haven't had sex yet. I will admit i haven't had sex yet and i'm not ashamed of it to a degree. I just had the ability to say no. I'm not waiting for marriage because that's really stupid, but i haven't found the guy i want to have sex with yet.

"And when people try to minimize your pain, they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain your doing yourself a disservice. Don't do that. The truth is that it hurts because it's real. It hurts because it mattered. And that's an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn't mean that it won't end, it wont get better. Because IT WILL.
-John Green"

I love love love this quote.
It hurts because its real and it mattered.
That's  a awesome mind set to have. Asdffgh! YES!
It will get better and it may take forever but it will!
I don't necessarily agree with not trying to take away your and other people's pain but i understand the concept of what this quote is trying to say. I might have read it wrong but my mind is in a haze and i can barley type right now and i may re look at it in the near future that is tomorrow.
                                                              11.10.12

Memoirs, Telling the truth and Religious struggles? oh fun 11.9.12

Losing friends, growing distant, and seeing your friendships start to fail in front your your eyes is a part of life. How to handle this unfortunate instance
is to learn that remembering the good times isn't a bad thing. Memories are a great tool to remind ourselves of all the good times instead of the bad.
For instance a couple nights ago my Best Friend and I were talking about her hanging out with Ms.Blowoff and Mr. Bootcamp's letters. I HATE to my hearts content that he is being selective on who hes writing to and how Ms.Blowoff thinks that he is gonna write to my Best Friend. He SHOULD write to her to apologize again and again. She deserves that.
 I'm actually sad he wont write me a letter.. like when he told me i was "important" to him on the Thursday he came over to apologize to me. I sure don't feel very important and more of just forgotten. The worst part is i used to think i was under his category of important. I mean he asked me to prom and i used to hang out with him and his best friend, Just us three like all the time.
But then the "innocent" happened and i didn't pick his side and go running to him like every other person did. I am very happy with the choices i made and the side i took. I got my Best Friend out of this whole ordeal so i'm happy. I always want to be on the right side of things even if i lose friends in the process.
So while thinking about all of these things i became very depressed so i tried to remember all the happy memories i had with him.
The one that struck me the most was our Disneyland adventure. This was like.. I think 2 years ago i want to say  but i'm not sure. 
So myself, Mr.Bootcamp and my friend "KH" went to California Adventure. I have a huge love for Disney so this was exciting.
Well we went on at the time the new Little mermaid ride which was fun but Mr.Bootcamp completely hated it the entire time which made it even funnier. I also remember while on the tower of terror ride in where you have to watch the little video about the history of the hotel, Mr.Bootcamp decided to try to scare me after the tv "flashes off". HE scared the flying tar out of me!! It was really funny. Later that night we were walking to the "elecTRONica" event that is now some Alice in wonderland thing which is lame but anyway,
i was pretending to act all bratty and junk saying that i didn't wanna walk anymore and just whining about really stereotypical things a brat whines about. So he picks me up and puts me on his shoulders. This was a funny sight to see because one: i'm a VERY short person so me being all of the sudden really tall makes me nervous and freak out and two it was just a lot of fun. Then we went to world of color show.
We had to wait in an area before the show in a designated area according to ticket color. we had to wait for like a hour to 2 hours but the conversation we had was very interesting and hysterical.  The show was amazing and we were in the "soak zone" so we were very wet by the end of the show. Us leaving the park after closing was fun too,  running around like idiots, having lightsaber battles, Mr.Bootcamp jumping out of bushes scaring people was all super funny. 
After thinking about that i'm in a better mood now. It makes me miss the old times but people drift apart and we got to accept that. I can still have those happy memories of that night. Just think of all the happy moments instead of the sad.

Now with telling the truth. For some reason a lot of people struggle with this and i don't understand why.
I personally will always try to tell the truth even if i know ill get screwed for it.
Today i was sitting in my room feeling terrible and dizzy, when my best friend texted me asking if i had told a certain person info regarding her and Mr.bootcamp. I Typed Yes.  I did a long time ago when everything was going down. I didn't say much which is why it didn't even cross my mind to tell my best friend about this. So i send my answer feeling like the worst friend and making my insides feel worse with worry and guilt now added to the mix. I would never lie to her ever. I could have said i didn't say anything like most people would, then she would have blamed Ms.FakeFace and i would have gotten away Scott free. But that's not who i am. I tell the truth. So i waited for her response which seconds felt like hours and she responded with why? So i told her why. Then that she still loved me.
I still even now feel guilty of what i did. The only reason i spoke was i thought the certain individual knew what was going on and i really didn't tell her much. 
So i'm glad i told my Best Friend the truth. I never wanted to hurt her or make her feel sad for any reason because i would be failing at the job of being a best friend and she deserves to be happy and not unhappy by my own hands.

Now to the religious struggles... yay.
I have been going back and forth whether or not to stay christian or not. In my life the people have wronged have wronged me or hurt me the most besides family have been christian. Most of the time people reflect their religion and i don't know if i want any part in it anymore. sure God may have blessed me for anything good but Satan is the cause for anything bad.. i'm not buying it anymore. NO ONE is the excuse for my flaws except for myself. Sure i may have been "tempted" to do things but its not a excuse to tell people is why i did what i did.
It is on myself and no one else. It makes you look like the biggest idiot to say,"the reason i did what i did is because Satan tempted me". Like seriously?! You did want you did because YOU wanted to.
Sure a lot of people turn to religion during the hard times like i did. BUT my life hasn't really improved rather gotten worse. Sure my dad got a job and other things, but i have lost almost everyone who is important to me and my health is not at its best.
I am now noticing only the flaws with Christianity rather then the good. I guess my "friends" helped me now gain this opinion of the religion. I still go to college groups and do church related things to hopefully fix my new opinions. I just feel everyone i used to talk to about religion has abandoned me.
Also There has just been to much drama in my life surrounding this religion. I have my Best Friend to talk to and my new college group and hopefully that will help. which is good.
But i still say its Ms.FakeFace fault why i'm struggling and wont go to her college group anymore.

Just Sick and Tired of It... 11.8.12

"I'm sick,
I'm sick of fake friends. I'm sick of people pretending to care and love you and then leaving you when you need them. I'm sick of people judging, labeling, and changing.
I'm sick of just sitting here thinking every day and night till dusk just thinking thinking and thinking.
I'm sick of being scared of losing something that was never even mine. I'm sick of crying for people who will never care. I'm sick and tired..
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

With my "friends" i feel like i'm sitting in a room full of people that i love, and you know what? They just don't even care that i love them and i'm hurting. They don't care whether i'm around or not. To them, i'm a another Person who can be easily replaced, just another stranger. To me, They are my closest friends, the only people i have left. A sad reality isn't it. I sit here realizing that my best friend is now getting reacquainted with this group. I can be told i'm not being left behind but in reality it is the sad truth. They talk to her every day while i hear nothing. Sure call me jealous but can i be allowed to be? I keep warning my best friend that these people hurt her to no end in the past yet she keeps bringing them into her life. I want to tell my Best Friend this:
Life is for having fun. Don't be stupid and waste it on someone who is gonna act like they hate you tomorrow. Never waste your precious time. Every person deserves to have a person who they can brag about and always want around not when its only convenient for them. Ever person deserves to have people around them who makes them smile and laugh at their worst moments. Fake friends are like shadows, they are behind you during your brightest moments, but disappear during your darkest hours. You have seen this first hand my best friend when they all left you and i stood by your side the whole way. Its your choice what your gonna do, my words obviously aren't doing anything anymore. I can't tell you what you have to do, its your life...

This message is directed at Ms. Fake face (new nickname for "friend #1") and Ms.Blow off:
You can say sorry a million times, Say you love me as much as you want, say whatever you want, say you want me around, BUT if your not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don't do anything at all. Because if you cant show it, your words mean nothing. Stop wasting my precious time. Your not worth it anymore. I don't have it in me anymore to care and or worry that it is never going be fixed. I'm already feeling sick and terrible everyday and i physically can't do it anymore. I have done my part. The ball is in your court to do something and mean it this time. If not do nothing.

Its currently raining here. I love the rain it reminds me of my best friend which today just makes me sad. I once told her the reasons why the rain reminds me of her. The rain is a beautiful thing that often isn't appreciated, But when you realize it's amazing power to bring life wherever it goes you can see the true beauty that it is. The rain is calming to listen to and when you stand in it, it completely envelops you and leaves its mark on you. My Best friend is my rain.

(Add more later tonight maybe if i feel better)

Flaws make you Perfect 11.7.12

Excuse the short blog today.. i feel absolutely terribly horrible... when scrolling on Tumblr i found this quote:
Flaws:
Beautiful, perfect flaws. They make us different.
They make us interesting and worth something.
Without them, who would we be? We would
be all the same. And what fun would that be? 
Flaws are an adventure. I'm drawn to them.
I embrace them. Flaws make us human
and unique. Flaws are PERFECTION.

After reading this quote i felt an understanding about myself and the people around me. We all live with flaws and i really like that this is what makes us human. You can either learn to love your flaws or figure out how to use them to your advantage.
Sure you can try to change them but in the end, you are changing yourself. Nothing wrong with that but you are in essence are changing what makes you "YOU". Sure there be many reasons you may want to change yourself:
Friends
Popularity
Acceptance
Love
Family
ETC.

But realistically wouldn't you want to surround yourself with people who accept you for you? If you have to Literally change yourself to be accepted by these certain individuals then why is that worth it?
I think i'm struggling with this currently with my friends because some may say i'm a "different person" but in reality I never changed. They just didn't notice my "Flaws" before. Also a lot of them think changing is the right thing to do but we friended each other for the old versions of our selves.  So why change now and have problems? I mostly relate to what i'm taking about to "friend number one" from blog 1.
She thinks she is Changing for the better. Yet all of our friends disagree. Even Ms. Blowoff from blog 2 Agrees with this realization. Take my advice, If you have to change yourself to be accepted don't.
Never try to find acceptance. You want it to find you. Perfect example: My best Friend.  She would never ask me to change. We never tried to find each other, Heck she used to hate me and never thought we would be even "friends". Now we are the best thing that has happened to each others lives We found each other yet we weren't looking for each other. Acceptance found us.

Blowing People Off isn't Worth a Hurricane of Problems... 11.6.12

"Hey we haven't talked or hung out in forever!! When are you free to do lunch? :D"
That was the text message my "friend" sent me about 15 days ago...  we agreed that she would text me when she was free from her work situation so we can do our little lunch date. Unfortunately for myself what i have noticed for awhile with this certain individual is a very spur of the moment kind of person and all of her promises/plans are always full of hot air...
You maybe wondering "hey don't get the wrong idea.. she maybe had tons of work to do. There has got to be a explanation " Well the sad fact is she obviously has been free because this person and my best friend had hung out today and i heard from various people that this person has been free. i'm not going to be a pompous jerk and call this person out this fact. So i decided to wait like the supplicatory person that i am.
BUT doing so has put me into this very annoyed, unpositive attitude toward this eventual lunch date. To the point if this individual texted me right now i would probably respond with the sorry fact of too little to late. I mean 15 days is a little to ridiculous to think for this person to believe is logically ok to not to have even texted me at all.
Keep in mind this person blows of my texts constantly and it isn't a shock this is happening. I Find it funny that this individual says, "we haven't talked in forever". Yeah maybe if you grew a few brain cells to think rationally and responded like a normal human being we wouldn't go obscene amounts of time of not communicating  I put my part and this person should do the same.

Another thing i have been altercating to myself is that my best friend has been talking and hanging out with people who excruciatingly hurt her in the past. who are these certain individuals you may ask? Oh why the group of "friends" who make me feel worthless of course. Revert to my previous blog to read more on this sorry reality. Take reference to the individual i mentioned above and i introduce her her as the second "friend" in this group of 6 not including myself. so keep patient for the introduction of the other 4.
Anyway back to the sad news of my best friend.
She as i said earlier hung out with the individual who likes to blow me off. The original plan was for them to hangout around noon. So when the certain individual didn't respond to my best friend, she thought the individual was pulling the classic "spur of the moment and full of hot air" game that this individual likes to play.
shockingly i have no clever thoughts on how my best friend got her to respond but they ended up meeting at around 5ish.
I will admit i was jealous that she got a response but not to the actual act of hanging out.
My best friend and I are meeting up today for sushi and i will be filled in on what happened at that time.
But taking a full circle back to the beginning of this stream of consciousnesses i have been on, my best friend has started reconnecting with the "terrible 6", well technically 5 since one is away at boot camp.  I now introduce Mr. Boot camp as "friend" number 3.
Why is this so bad you ask. Well to be short,a huge ordeal happened in the group, my best friend and Mr.Boot camp decided to hook up and have sex multiple times. When this came out by the mouth of the friend i mentioned in the first blog, everyone took sides. Why would sides need to be taken you ask? well for something that Mr. boot camp lied about. His lie? Oh that them having sex never happened. So pretty much everyone except myself  went against my best friend and took Mr. boot camp's side. The sad reality was my friend was telling the truth that it did indeed happened. So a lot of fighting ensued and my best friends parents came to the rescue because who tells their parents that they had sex to prove a lie? Oh no one of course. Also my best friend had text proof of them planing to meet up and Mr. boot camp saying he was going to deny the crap out of it. So finally with nowhere to run, Mr. boot camp folded and came forward with the truth. 
So you can now understand why all these people hurt her so. yet she still is reconnecting with them. Im glad my best friend is a very forgiving person but i think some of them she should keep closer watch on then others.  I'm sad to see her get reacquainted with this group while i have to sit back and watch being left out and completely left to feel worthless. This is my "I told you so" to my best friend who told me this would never happen.

I really hope everything will get better and i will hopefully find answers on to what is needed to be done.

(OH on a happy note i get to vote on our nation's next president today! fun fun my first vote.
I'm going to say I voted for Mitt Romney for the fact Obama hasn't done anything these 4 years and him coming forward to say hes going to "allow" gay marriage is a false hope we don't deserve. He knows it will never pass legislature so he can say whatever he wants to get votes. You really want that as our president? I don't really like Mitt Romney either but its better then what we currently have. I'm not even up for discussing politics so don't comment on it. I really don't care. So keep it to yourself.)

Press Start 11.5.12

Where to start? 

I know that probably no one will ever read this blog since i'm not "popular" or "main stream" enough. But that's not my motivation to write.. i hope to leave my mark somewhere for when i'm gone and by giving me something to do everyday.

Let me start with a current problem by saying i have a group of friends that don't really conciser me a friend. Unfortunately we try to find friends for acceptance/love BUT these people make me feel worthless as a individual.

Ill start with the one friend who I'm struggling with the most.
This person who i became friends with 2 years ago is not the person i currently see before me. It hurts my heart to see that my friend has mutated into this terrible, selfish, egotistical person who is just wearing a fake face. Please return the face to its rightful owner. The worst part is this person thinks their changing is for the better... My friend could never be so wrong. To Know this person as one of the most mature of individuals i have ever met to revert to the immaturity of a 10 year old is completely horrifying. I noticed this sad fact  when this individual and I had a talk to hopefully to resolve and fix things. To have this person laugh ignorantly at me while explaining my struggles. I'm glad my issues are a huge joke to this individual. Also this person making inappropriate remarks regarding "oh this is stupid (laughs)",  by giving the impression i'm not worth this person's time and their stupid smirk really rub me the wrong way..
This person had no right to call me "self absorbed"  and "always the self appointed victim". I probably have reasons i feel his way and i for sure didn't spawn the idea of my struggles for the fun of it.. I sit in my room thinking of how to handle this situation almost everyday to become stumped and confused every time. I have never experienced  not knowing how to react or solve a problems involving friends. I usually am very wise and  intellectual as my reputation being "the pearl of wisdom" has helped me and others in the past. At this point with anyone else i would have ended it, but with this individual i think i don't want it to end because the individual i befriended two years ago and loved means so much to me.. and i hold to the old memories and my eyes are fogged by this. 

Am i willing to endure the sight of the fake version of my friend to only hope they will revert back to their old self? I laugh at myself for putting myself into these painful situations. i guess once a self abuser.. always a self abuser right?
I hope to solve this soon...
I hung out with this person and many of the friends in question tonight and i might have seen a glimmer of the old friend that i once knew and received a hug... like seriously where did that come from?!
I just hope my life will get better.