Is it worth it anymore? Nope 12.28.12

As every day passes by going slower and slower than the previous..... I hate it.
I hate feeling alone every single freaking day. My cell phone is become my greatest enemy because it is the sole proof that I have no friends or anyone that cares.
I feel like I am the annoyance in every single person's life. Im not as great as everybody else why would anyone want to talk or hang out with me. I have no interesting qualities, I'm not that fun of a person. I just suck.
I'm laughing at myself because the point of this blog was motivation to become a happier person and I'm just going in the wrong direction. I was so excited to think I had plans for New Year's to finally figure out that I was dead wrong again. Why am I am so stupid? why would anyone want to hang out with me on that night. With all the parties and the fun activities and also fun real groups of friends why would anyone spend it with little old me. I defiantly know that I will be alone the rest my life and any friendships I make in the future are mirages of what really could be.
I'm alone and it is going to say that way if I live long enough anyways.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
Me
Me
Me.

The sad part is I do truthfully feel of I wasn't around anymore no one would care. Sure people will probably disagree With what I just said yet these people are the sole reason why feel so alone and feel the way that I do.
I will always be second best everything...
I feel like I've become secondary to even my best friend.
Last week she said that we would hang out Saturday night to make up for not being to come over on Friday night because she was with a different person to find out she went to a bonfire with her group instead. The group that is hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe it and even to her too. Yet she would rather hang out with people who treat her completely like trash then the person who stood by her side this entire time.
But whatever it's my life right? Everything will never turn out the way I want it to.
I would just be forever known as the annoying person who can never make a single friend and will always be replaced with something better comes along.

I have been asked way too many times this week if I have a guy interest in my life. I've gotten to the point where I have just completely stopped trying to like people because they never ever like me back.
I always go unnoticed and forgotten.
At the age of 19 is the complete shame that I'm not dating Or have had someone in my life that I can refer to as a boyfriend.
Once again why would anyone want to like me. I'm not as pretty as my sister.
Or as my best friend says I have a "Stay away from me" vibe guys get. The vibe of I will never "do anything" Because obviously that's what our society thinks is most important about every relationship nowadays. Is completely crazy that a girl does not want To have sex with every single guy she dates and or meets.
Why can't a guy just give me the chance?

I have a person in my life that judges me on things that I have never even done or on things that are not even true.
I seriously think about it every single day and it is destroying me.
What gives this person the audacity to treat me this way. Isn't it against your "religion" to do so? You're the reason why use a judge and hate Christians. You guys all think you're so much better then everyone else and can say whatever you want to because your little god is protecting you.It makes me sad because I with out a doubt believe in God yet I get so ashamed Because of people like you. I like that my best friend hangs out with the likes of this person and does nothing about it. Even though you know it is completely wrong you don't care. Just give me the famous line of "why can't we just be friends without bringing up my personal life" And drop it like you always do. Even you know it kills me inside to the point where I want to start cutting myself again.

Why would anyone care about me at all?
It's not like Matter in the slightest to anyone.

12.28.12

Her bed (Poetry that I wrote #2) 12.27.12

There was a girl sitting in her bed
Crying so hard she was shaking her head.
Wondering why everything was just so hard
Looking at her wrists that were ravaged and scarred.
Wishing that everything could just go away.
Maybe that time will come someday.
She is beginning to reach the end of her rope
Finally realizing that she no longer has hope.
When did her life become this way?
Maybe is because she went unnoticed every day.
If only someone had noticed that something was wrong
They could have helped her become happy and strong.
She instead had to watch all of her friends leaving her behind.
Not even giving her the courtesy of a goodbye.

All she can now do is lay on her bed
Crying her eyes out from all that has been said.

12.27.12

Invisible mind. (Poetry I wrote #1) 12.26.12

When feeling invisible don't worry your head
yes the feeling will remain even when your in your own bed
Is not just a game it is all very real
Lonely, lost and forgotten will be how you feel.
It is your choice on the outcome if you decide to act
It is all up to you if you want change this fact.
You can either go down a happy road and be fine.
Or Let these facts consume you, It will take time.
So when feeling invisible even in your own bed
Either let it consume you or let a better answer come to your head.



I wrote this poem about how I've been feeling lately.
I really miss writing poetry I think I'm a start doing it again.

12.26.12

You Are Amazing... Yes You 12.9.12

 (I Hope This Post Gives Someone Motivation For life who Doesn't Have It And This Is My Greatest Attempt On This)

I have been in my dark hole of depression since last week, and today didn't help, I found out no matter where i run my past comes back to haunt me... the fact i used to be "weird".

Yes i'll admit i have changed from my past self of 4 years ago.

I was a little different from anyone else. Had the brand of  "Weird" branded on me. What people don't realize what i had going on at home and during my entire life.

My mom used to hit and abuse me when she was angry. 

We had huge financial problems going on.

I had a eating problem

Found out my mom was cheating on my dad.

My sister used to hate me.

Everyone had already judged me

Struggled to fit in

Just felt so alone

Just wanted one friend

Cut Myself everyday

Everything lead to me trying to commit Suicide.

After that night of my attempted suicide during freshman year of high school,

I realized i needed to change. 

I acted more mature, cared about my appearance,  shut the world out from all around me, accepted that no one from my high school would be friends with me and i would have to just endure 3 more years to graduation. I become what people wanted me to me. 

I was FAKE.

I was not my true self... I hated the person i became, the one who flew under the radar. So i decided to crack most of my mask off, it was scary. Right after this, I met the Group i have mentioned in most of my blogs. Finally felt like i fit in. I had good memories with them, My first Real friends. Sadly i'm not friends with them anymore but i'm glad i met such great people when i was at my most vulnerable with out that mask which protected me. Yes i have been extremely hurt by this group yet i'm glad i remind strong enough to keep that mask off.

I think this is why this group hurt me so much when i lost them. This is the answer i wish i had gave to Ms.FakeFace. The reason on why they mattered to me so much.. I felt like i could be my real self to them, like i finally mattered.

So yes i am different from my past self but i only Grew up. I didn't change what i liked and loved, i went back to thinking appearance isn't everything, I'm still mature then i was but that comes with age. I'm older now and know i only want people around me who actually like me for me. I also just need to meet more new people who don't know about my past.

But unfortunately it always seems to come back.

I started going to this college group which i felt really accepted in. But then i see a person from my past at the college group and immediately know if fucked. I then find out that yes he  has spread gossip about my old weird self. So their goes my chance at  a dating life or friends. I was distraught when i found this out from my friend. 

I have been thinking about it a lot though. I finally realized how stupid i have been. Why the hell am i doing feeling sorry for myself. I don't know for a fact yet that i have lost this fight. I might be thinking the worst and need to just be strong. I'm going to show this group how much i have fucking changed. I'm a way better person then to spread gossip about someone. So fuck you to who ever says i'm weird and guess what? YES I'm Weird and i'm proud of it! I have my best friend so i must be "normal" enough to have her as a awesome friend.

So i want to say this to who ever is reading this:

You Are AWESOME! Yes You. You are unique and have a great purpose to this life to make a difference somewhere. NEVER let anyone get you down or get inside your head. Don't let the haters hate.

Or the way my Best Friend says it,

"Naysayers Gonna Naysay".

Life is never worth you killing yourself. You may be the creator to the cure to cancer for all you know and your going to end your life over something so trivial.

You have purpose and you are loved. I don't even know you but I Love You. I love your future, past, mistakes, Flaws, everything that makes you, YOU. 

Your Flaws make you perfect. You are a amazing person and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You will get your heart broken, Friends will stab you in the back, Will lose loved ones, But hey this is life. Even though it seems hard now IT FUCKING GETS BETTER. I'm Sorta living proof of this. We all are, Congrats you have lived as long as you have. You so far have not let these things get in the way of where you are now, even if your still in the dark deep hole, all you now have to do is look up and start climbing. It will seem hard and scary but its amazing and well worth it seeing the beauty of this life when you start to live it to the fullest. You can do it! Tommorrow do a good deed, Hold the door open for someone even though they might not say thank you. Give your seat up on the bus or train, pick of a piece of trash, pay for the person behind you in a drive through, say good morning or whatever to a stanger. Your Little actions will be a huge Impact on someone. You might set of a chain reaction that will spread like wild fire. This world needs more of this form of love. Lets Do this.

And no matter what,

                                      And stay YOU.

12.9.12

My Past, My Present And My future. 12.8.12

My Past:

I'm so broken. It has become so obvious. I'm emotionally destroyed and there's  nothing to do except to watch myself fall apart. Each day it gets worse and nothing gets better. I'm so alone in this huge vast world and that is really starting to get to me. I always have to remind myself that it is my fault for people not liking me. It is my fault and mine alone. I'm fat and ugly. There is no one to blame but myself. It is so hard because no one knows the real me. No one knows anything about me. No one knows what i have to deal with on a daily basis. They knew me as the bubbly, outgoing, happy girl that i used to be. That is not even close to who i am. That has been my mask. That is just a lie. People tell me that i "need to get over it" but how can get over something so cruel? I will NEVER get over all of the bullying and words said to me. I will never forget the pain i was in. I will never forget the night when i was in so much pain that i had to glide a razor across my skin just so i could get the pain i deserved. I will never forget the day i stuck a finger down my throat to make myself thin. I will never forget the day where i decided only a instant breakfast was the right amount to eat for the whole day. I'll never forget the day my mom told me she was leaving my dad and left me behind.
I will never forget the nights i cried myself to sleep without anyone to tell me it was okay. I won't ever forget about all the scars that remind me of how screwed up and how sad i am. Don't Tell me to get over something you know nothing about. Do you think i like being sad all the time? No i don't but this sadness is all i have left. This sadness has consumed me from the inside out and it's too late to save me from it.
This has lead me to want to commit suicide. I'm someone who wont be missed or remembered.
I'm sick of how i feel.      -?/?/09


My Present:

Thee above was something i would have written around my freshman year in high school. When i tried to commit suicide. Luckily i didn't. I'm now a freshman in college. A lot of time has passed since then. I quit the cutting my junior year of high school and most of the scars have faded from the magic power of mederma.
I have grown up a lot from that really pitiful person that i once was. I'm still Little screwed up and sad but i value my life more then ever. I may not love my life but i will never waste it. I have my Best Friend now and my life i hope is starting to move toward the positive and bright future i hope to have.
I really relate to the song "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato. 


Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence has its ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper


 I  hope i too can become strong and not let anything tear me down. I need to stay strong. I'm depressed but that i hope to will fade. I'm glad im not where i once was, now there is no where to move but up.

My Future:

It hasn't been decided or happened yet but i do know it is in my power and will be what i make it. I hope it is bright and that i lived my life to the fullest.

12.8.12

Its Okay That You Are Okay. 12.7.12

It's Okay that you got a bad grade. 
It's okay your not skinny and have bright eyes and don't fit into size 4 jeans. 
It's okay boys don't whistle at you (I mean your not a dog right?) 
It's okay that your friends are leaving, because if they were your real friends, they'd be sitting by your side not trying to make you feel like shit.
It's okay your parents shout at you, they are trying their best and i don't think they remember how hard it feels to be a teenager anyway.
It's okay that you feel as though you have lost yourself, everyone does from time to time.
It's okay to feel alone, but most often you have to remind yourself that your not. 
You have to remind yourself that you are beautiful, unique and no replica of anyone else. You're you and that's damn good enough for me.

Saw this on my Tumblr. Just amazing, absolutely amazing.

12.7.12

My Current View On My Life (told by pictures #3) 12.6.12

Thee above: "Pissed of at fake things that look real"

Yes i'm still pissed and hurt over the Ms.Fakeface event. This picture made me laugh and i related to it. I am the cat and she is the fake looking version of herself printed on the balloon. Its also annoying and wont go away. Wish i could pop her like that balloon. Also if she were a balloon i could let it go into the sky and let the airplanes and god deal with her.

12.6.12

Seeing Red, Feeling blue, And Thinking Black 12.5.12

For anyone curious how i am doing.. i haven't left my room and i have been staring at my ceiling hating everything at this very moment of where my life is. If Your wondering how the talk went between Ms.FakeFace and my best friend. Tell you the truth i don't know.. All i do know is i will never know what was said and that frustrates me. I was hoping i would FINALLY get a answer but yet again life laughs at me and i feel stupid. I was asked why i feel stupid and here is my answer: I feel stupid for believing in something that will never happen or being able to figure it out. I feel stupid for asking my friend to defend me to find that she is acting with regret for losing the chance at maybe being best friends with Ms.FakeFace which just destroyed me more then anyone can fathom. How could she even be like that to me? After her finally seeing all this person has done to me and still be thinking about their "friendship". Please don't talk to me about your stupid friendship. I have been hurt enough thank you. She said she has to think about everything that happened and wants to keep information that involves me to herself which doesn't make any sense to me at all. Think about what? I'm sick of feeling so stupid all the goddamn time. 

I just want to lock myself away and cry.
I have no idea what is real anymore. I don't know what to do with myself and hate my life where it is at this very moment. I sure glad i don't abuse myself anymore because it wouldn't be a pretty sight. But it gets better right? WRONG.
Later on Stupid FB i saw a post about my best friend wanting to go to a event with the girls group of our old church. She promised me she wouldn't get involved with them ever again. To see post i was the most furious i have been ever at her. I then texted her asking about it to get the slowest responses from her ever and having her avoiding my answer. she finally answered that i need to trust her and she misunderstood Who the event was being held by. Why the hell didn't she just start with that? Everything just sucks right now.

If it doesn't sound like I am glad that my best friend talked to Ms.FakeFace and stood up for me I really am. I value our friendship more then anything and that she is awesome because she would do that for me. What i don't understand is i feel like nothing changed though. She also wont talk to me about it and that sucks. I wish she would talk to me. I know its probably information i don't need to know but its the closure i need. All i know is Ms.FakeFace is wrong about whatever it is and that's it. Excuse my language but FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
Nothing in this shitty world is worth it anymore. I'm sick of everyone and everything. 
I'm sick of anyways feeling inferior to everyone.
Why can't anything in my life go right for once?

All I can do is
See Red, Feel Blue, and think Black.

12.5.12

Blogging from Starbucks.. Hipster Achievement Unlocked 12.4.12

I'm sitting in Starbucks fun fun. With my cousin sitting across from me doing her Hw.
My best friend had the talk with Ms.FakeFace today at 5:00 pm.
It is currently 6:45 pm. I hope it went well and waiting for my best friend to text me.
I'm drinking a zebra Hot chocolate with peppermint  Its a custom drink and its awesome!!! So good!
My cousin wants to go get Christmas lights to decorate her room. I really hope i hear from my best friend soon... 

Edit from later that night:

My cousin and I finished putting up the lights in her room and had a crazy adventure. So after we got home getting the lights we noticed about a hour later instead of white clear lights we bought 3 out of the 4 boxes of colored lights. Someone put the wrong lights back in the white lights box and we didn't check so yeah havoc ensued. It was 8:40 and Target closed at 9. We rushed back to target and swapped out the lights for the correct ones with 3 minutes to spare. It was funny.

I'm now sitting in my spot in my cousin's room with my head leaning back against the wall. I FINALLY got a hold of my best friend. The "fight" didn't go well....  
She said she needs to think about what happened so i'm going to try again and text her tomorrow.
I'm tired and hope i can get this figured out....

12.4.12

Its Over... Forever Maybe 12.3.12

Ms.FakeFace texted me today.


If your wondering how that went it didn't go well.
My Best Friend is here and helping me through this.

Pretty much what happened was Ms.FakeFace texted me this morning asking if i had a problem with her because i haven't talked to her in forever. Nothing more nothing less.
So the situation has become my fault i guess... 
So responded a 6 text length text to her stating, Yes i am mad at her, why you ask? Because she feels its necessary to tell everyone that we are in a problem yet she cant talk about and since i don't i know why she's mad, it feel like it doesn't exist. she is playing a game that was never fun to start with. She and i needed to talk and fix it.

She then responds with, that she was sorry we didn't agree and that she "thinks" i'm wrong. Also she wants to part ways for while and she is sorry i think poorly of her.
Once again she didn't tell me the problem.. She avoided it but still made it my fault for a reason that i have no idea of.
I asked her if she wanted to either fix it now or later. I believe her response was never.
So i guess that will be the solution to my never ending problem and that's the only silver lining i get out of this...
I'm sorry to say Ms.FakeFace will probably not reoccur in this blog anymore until things if they ever, settle down. 
I'm happy i no longer have to deal with her BS.
My Best friend is furious and is going to talk to her and find out stuff for me.
Everything just sucks right now.

12.3.12 

Literally... (my life described by pictures #2) 12.2.12

This is what happens when i try to blog when i'm too Tired or way to lazy. Yes the bunny is necessary so don't drink the haterade. 

BTW I hit 205 page views.... really....but most importantly why?

12.2.12

You Will Get Me Nowhere 12.1.12

Rain ticking against my window, Thinking

Sounds of a silent house, Imagining

No sign of life from friends, Wishing

Feeling worthless, Hurting

Thinking while Imagining for the reality that comes from Wishing that i wasn't Hurting.

The top is a poem I wrote. I used to be very into writing poetry and used to be quite good at it. I have lost my touch but still enjoy writing it from time to time. Besides writing poetry i love to read, run, write stories and paint to relieve stress or when i'm upset.

Someone that has been on my mind lately is Ms.FakeFace..
I'm sick of going back and forth thinking whether or not remaining friends with her.
I'm also disturbed that she only seems to be "worried" about me or whatever to other people besides myself. She texted my Best Friend a couple days ago asking if i was ok since i didn't respond to her text about everyone meeting up. I didn't see they text until i got home so i didn't feel a need to respond at 11:40 at night. She also told my Best Friend that she would talk to me.... NOPE hasn't happened for anyone curious...
What i don't get is why is she putting on a show that she "cares" about me, yet never asks me directly or shows affection toward the actual person shes "worried" about. I even heard that she is considering meeting up with me to talk. This puts me into a pickle. 
I'm actually quite afraid to meet up with her honestly... The last time we had a talk, she ended up making snide remarks and kept showing that stupid smirk of hers. I felt horrible after she left and got quite upset when she left. I actually went into my sister's room crawled into her bed and cried. This has never happened so my sister knew something was wrong and now she cant stand Ms.FakeFace. I would rather not go through that unpleasant experience again thank you...
But half of me wants to see our friendship become what it was... The sweet christian girl who i used to look up to even though i think is younger then me.
The old person who i didn't have to refer to as Ms.FakeFace. The person who used to be a great friend and always had a good christian answer to everything  The person who i used to think our friendship would last. My dear friend....

After all of this, IF the talk would actually ever happen, She needs to act like a mature adult and talk with respect from one adult to the other. Do i want this person as a friend who only wants to benefit by making herself look good to other people. Yeah maybe not. My best friend can be friends with her if she likes, she wont listen to me or realize how fake this person is.

 Ms.FakeFace, you are my never ending problem...

12.1.12