Is it worth it anymore? Nope 12.28.12

As every day passes by going slower and slower than the previous..... I hate it.
I hate feeling alone every single freaking day. My cell phone is become my greatest enemy because it is the sole proof that I have no friends or anyone that cares.
I feel like I am the annoyance in every single person's life. Im not as great as everybody else why would anyone want to talk or hang out with me. I have no interesting qualities, I'm not that fun of a person. I just suck.
I'm laughing at myself because the point of this blog was motivation to become a happier person and I'm just going in the wrong direction. I was so excited to think I had plans for New Year's to finally figure out that I was dead wrong again. Why am I am so stupid? why would anyone want to hang out with me on that night. With all the parties and the fun activities and also fun real groups of friends why would anyone spend it with little old me. I defiantly know that I will be alone the rest my life and any friendships I make in the future are mirages of what really could be.
I'm alone and it is going to say that way if I live long enough anyways.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
I hate being me.
Me
Me
Me.

The sad part is I do truthfully feel of I wasn't around anymore no one would care. Sure people will probably disagree With what I just said yet these people are the sole reason why feel so alone and feel the way that I do.
I will always be second best everything...
I feel like I've become secondary to even my best friend.
Last week she said that we would hang out Saturday night to make up for not being to come over on Friday night because she was with a different person to find out she went to a bonfire with her group instead. The group that is hurt me in so many ways I can't even describe it and even to her too. Yet she would rather hang out with people who treat her completely like trash then the person who stood by her side this entire time.
But whatever it's my life right? Everything will never turn out the way I want it to.
I would just be forever known as the annoying person who can never make a single friend and will always be replaced with something better comes along.

I have been asked way too many times this week if I have a guy interest in my life. I've gotten to the point where I have just completely stopped trying to like people because they never ever like me back.
I always go unnoticed and forgotten.
At the age of 19 is the complete shame that I'm not dating Or have had someone in my life that I can refer to as a boyfriend.
Once again why would anyone want to like me. I'm not as pretty as my sister.
Or as my best friend says I have a "Stay away from me" vibe guys get. The vibe of I will never "do anything" Because obviously that's what our society thinks is most important about every relationship nowadays. Is completely crazy that a girl does not want To have sex with every single guy she dates and or meets.
Why can't a guy just give me the chance?

I have a person in my life that judges me on things that I have never even done or on things that are not even true.
I seriously think about it every single day and it is destroying me.
What gives this person the audacity to treat me this way. Isn't it against your "religion" to do so? You're the reason why use a judge and hate Christians. You guys all think you're so much better then everyone else and can say whatever you want to because your little god is protecting you.It makes me sad because I with out a doubt believe in God yet I get so ashamed Because of people like you. I like that my best friend hangs out with the likes of this person and does nothing about it. Even though you know it is completely wrong you don't care. Just give me the famous line of "why can't we just be friends without bringing up my personal life" And drop it like you always do. Even you know it kills me inside to the point where I want to start cutting myself again.

Why would anyone care about me at all?
It's not like Matter in the slightest to anyone.

12.28.12

Her bed (Poetry that I wrote #2) 12.27.12

There was a girl sitting in her bed
Crying so hard she was shaking her head.
Wondering why everything was just so hard
Looking at her wrists that were ravaged and scarred.
Wishing that everything could just go away.
Maybe that time will come someday.
She is beginning to reach the end of her rope
Finally realizing that she no longer has hope.
When did her life become this way?
Maybe is because she went unnoticed every day.
If only someone had noticed that something was wrong
They could have helped her become happy and strong.
She instead had to watch all of her friends leaving her behind.
Not even giving her the courtesy of a goodbye.

All she can now do is lay on her bed
Crying her eyes out from all that has been said.

12.27.12

Invisible mind. (Poetry I wrote #1) 12.26.12

When feeling invisible don't worry your head
yes the feeling will remain even when your in your own bed
Is not just a game it is all very real
Lonely, lost and forgotten will be how you feel.
It is your choice on the outcome if you decide to act
It is all up to you if you want change this fact.
You can either go down a happy road and be fine.
Or Let these facts consume you, It will take time.
So when feeling invisible even in your own bed
Either let it consume you or let a better answer come to your head.



I wrote this poem about how I've been feeling lately.
I really miss writing poetry I think I'm a start doing it again.

12.26.12

You Are Amazing... Yes You 12.9.12

 (I Hope This Post Gives Someone Motivation For life who Doesn't Have It And This Is My Greatest Attempt On This)

I have been in my dark hole of depression since last week, and today didn't help, I found out no matter where i run my past comes back to haunt me... the fact i used to be "weird".

Yes i'll admit i have changed from my past self of 4 years ago.

I was a little different from anyone else. Had the brand of  "Weird" branded on me. What people don't realize what i had going on at home and during my entire life.

My mom used to hit and abuse me when she was angry. 

We had huge financial problems going on.

I had a eating problem

Found out my mom was cheating on my dad.

My sister used to hate me.

Everyone had already judged me

Struggled to fit in

Just felt so alone

Just wanted one friend

Cut Myself everyday

Everything lead to me trying to commit Suicide.

After that night of my attempted suicide during freshman year of high school,

I realized i needed to change. 

I acted more mature, cared about my appearance,  shut the world out from all around me, accepted that no one from my high school would be friends with me and i would have to just endure 3 more years to graduation. I become what people wanted me to me. 

I was FAKE.

I was not my true self... I hated the person i became, the one who flew under the radar. So i decided to crack most of my mask off, it was scary. Right after this, I met the Group i have mentioned in most of my blogs. Finally felt like i fit in. I had good memories with them, My first Real friends. Sadly i'm not friends with them anymore but i'm glad i met such great people when i was at my most vulnerable with out that mask which protected me. Yes i have been extremely hurt by this group yet i'm glad i remind strong enough to keep that mask off.

I think this is why this group hurt me so much when i lost them. This is the answer i wish i had gave to Ms.FakeFace. The reason on why they mattered to me so much.. I felt like i could be my real self to them, like i finally mattered.

So yes i am different from my past self but i only Grew up. I didn't change what i liked and loved, i went back to thinking appearance isn't everything, I'm still mature then i was but that comes with age. I'm older now and know i only want people around me who actually like me for me. I also just need to meet more new people who don't know about my past.

But unfortunately it always seems to come back.

I started going to this college group which i felt really accepted in. But then i see a person from my past at the college group and immediately know if fucked. I then find out that yes he  has spread gossip about my old weird self. So their goes my chance at  a dating life or friends. I was distraught when i found this out from my friend. 

I have been thinking about it a lot though. I finally realized how stupid i have been. Why the hell am i doing feeling sorry for myself. I don't know for a fact yet that i have lost this fight. I might be thinking the worst and need to just be strong. I'm going to show this group how much i have fucking changed. I'm a way better person then to spread gossip about someone. So fuck you to who ever says i'm weird and guess what? YES I'm Weird and i'm proud of it! I have my best friend so i must be "normal" enough to have her as a awesome friend.

So i want to say this to who ever is reading this:

You Are AWESOME! Yes You. You are unique and have a great purpose to this life to make a difference somewhere. NEVER let anyone get you down or get inside your head. Don't let the haters hate.

Or the way my Best Friend says it,

"Naysayers Gonna Naysay".

Life is never worth you killing yourself. You may be the creator to the cure to cancer for all you know and your going to end your life over something so trivial.

You have purpose and you are loved. I don't even know you but I Love You. I love your future, past, mistakes, Flaws, everything that makes you, YOU. 

Your Flaws make you perfect. You are a amazing person and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You will get your heart broken, Friends will stab you in the back, Will lose loved ones, But hey this is life. Even though it seems hard now IT FUCKING GETS BETTER. I'm Sorta living proof of this. We all are, Congrats you have lived as long as you have. You so far have not let these things get in the way of where you are now, even if your still in the dark deep hole, all you now have to do is look up and start climbing. It will seem hard and scary but its amazing and well worth it seeing the beauty of this life when you start to live it to the fullest. You can do it! Tommorrow do a good deed, Hold the door open for someone even though they might not say thank you. Give your seat up on the bus or train, pick of a piece of trash, pay for the person behind you in a drive through, say good morning or whatever to a stanger. Your Little actions will be a huge Impact on someone. You might set of a chain reaction that will spread like wild fire. This world needs more of this form of love. Lets Do this.

And no matter what,

                                      And stay YOU.

12.9.12

My Past, My Present And My future. 12.8.12

My Past:

I'm so broken. It has become so obvious. I'm emotionally destroyed and there's  nothing to do except to watch myself fall apart. Each day it gets worse and nothing gets better. I'm so alone in this huge vast world and that is really starting to get to me. I always have to remind myself that it is my fault for people not liking me. It is my fault and mine alone. I'm fat and ugly. There is no one to blame but myself. It is so hard because no one knows the real me. No one knows anything about me. No one knows what i have to deal with on a daily basis. They knew me as the bubbly, outgoing, happy girl that i used to be. That is not even close to who i am. That has been my mask. That is just a lie. People tell me that i "need to get over it" but how can get over something so cruel? I will NEVER get over all of the bullying and words said to me. I will never forget the pain i was in. I will never forget the night when i was in so much pain that i had to glide a razor across my skin just so i could get the pain i deserved. I will never forget the day i stuck a finger down my throat to make myself thin. I will never forget the day where i decided only a instant breakfast was the right amount to eat for the whole day. I'll never forget the day my mom told me she was leaving my dad and left me behind.
I will never forget the nights i cried myself to sleep without anyone to tell me it was okay. I won't ever forget about all the scars that remind me of how screwed up and how sad i am. Don't Tell me to get over something you know nothing about. Do you think i like being sad all the time? No i don't but this sadness is all i have left. This sadness has consumed me from the inside out and it's too late to save me from it.
This has lead me to want to commit suicide. I'm someone who wont be missed or remembered.
I'm sick of how i feel.      -?/?/09


My Present:

Thee above was something i would have written around my freshman year in high school. When i tried to commit suicide. Luckily i didn't. I'm now a freshman in college. A lot of time has passed since then. I quit the cutting my junior year of high school and most of the scars have faded from the magic power of mederma.
I have grown up a lot from that really pitiful person that i once was. I'm still Little screwed up and sad but i value my life more then ever. I may not love my life but i will never waste it. I have my Best Friend now and my life i hope is starting to move toward the positive and bright future i hope to have.
I really relate to the song "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato. 


Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence has its ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper


 I  hope i too can become strong and not let anything tear me down. I need to stay strong. I'm depressed but that i hope to will fade. I'm glad im not where i once was, now there is no where to move but up.

My Future:

It hasn't been decided or happened yet but i do know it is in my power and will be what i make it. I hope it is bright and that i lived my life to the fullest.

12.8.12

Its Okay That You Are Okay. 12.7.12

It's Okay that you got a bad grade. 
It's okay your not skinny and have bright eyes and don't fit into size 4 jeans. 
It's okay boys don't whistle at you (I mean your not a dog right?) 
It's okay that your friends are leaving, because if they were your real friends, they'd be sitting by your side not trying to make you feel like shit.
It's okay your parents shout at you, they are trying their best and i don't think they remember how hard it feels to be a teenager anyway.
It's okay that you feel as though you have lost yourself, everyone does from time to time.
It's okay to feel alone, but most often you have to remind yourself that your not. 
You have to remind yourself that you are beautiful, unique and no replica of anyone else. You're you and that's damn good enough for me.

Saw this on my Tumblr. Just amazing, absolutely amazing.

12.7.12

My Current View On My Life (told by pictures #3) 12.6.12

Thee above: "Pissed of at fake things that look real"

Yes i'm still pissed and hurt over the Ms.Fakeface event. This picture made me laugh and i related to it. I am the cat and she is the fake looking version of herself printed on the balloon. Its also annoying and wont go away. Wish i could pop her like that balloon. Also if she were a balloon i could let it go into the sky and let the airplanes and god deal with her.

12.6.12

Seeing Red, Feeling blue, And Thinking Black 12.5.12

For anyone curious how i am doing.. i haven't left my room and i have been staring at my ceiling hating everything at this very moment of where my life is. If Your wondering how the talk went between Ms.FakeFace and my best friend. Tell you the truth i don't know.. All i do know is i will never know what was said and that frustrates me. I was hoping i would FINALLY get a answer but yet again life laughs at me and i feel stupid. I was asked why i feel stupid and here is my answer: I feel stupid for believing in something that will never happen or being able to figure it out. I feel stupid for asking my friend to defend me to find that she is acting with regret for losing the chance at maybe being best friends with Ms.FakeFace which just destroyed me more then anyone can fathom. How could she even be like that to me? After her finally seeing all this person has done to me and still be thinking about their "friendship". Please don't talk to me about your stupid friendship. I have been hurt enough thank you. She said she has to think about everything that happened and wants to keep information that involves me to herself which doesn't make any sense to me at all. Think about what? I'm sick of feeling so stupid all the goddamn time. 

I just want to lock myself away and cry.
I have no idea what is real anymore. I don't know what to do with myself and hate my life where it is at this very moment. I sure glad i don't abuse myself anymore because it wouldn't be a pretty sight. But it gets better right? WRONG.
Later on Stupid FB i saw a post about my best friend wanting to go to a event with the girls group of our old church. She promised me she wouldn't get involved with them ever again. To see post i was the most furious i have been ever at her. I then texted her asking about it to get the slowest responses from her ever and having her avoiding my answer. she finally answered that i need to trust her and she misunderstood Who the event was being held by. Why the hell didn't she just start with that? Everything just sucks right now.

If it doesn't sound like I am glad that my best friend talked to Ms.FakeFace and stood up for me I really am. I value our friendship more then anything and that she is awesome because she would do that for me. What i don't understand is i feel like nothing changed though. She also wont talk to me about it and that sucks. I wish she would talk to me. I know its probably information i don't need to know but its the closure i need. All i know is Ms.FakeFace is wrong about whatever it is and that's it. Excuse my language but FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
Nothing in this shitty world is worth it anymore. I'm sick of everyone and everything. 
I'm sick of anyways feeling inferior to everyone.
Why can't anything in my life go right for once?

All I can do is
See Red, Feel Blue, and think Black.

12.5.12

Blogging from Starbucks.. Hipster Achievement Unlocked 12.4.12

I'm sitting in Starbucks fun fun. With my cousin sitting across from me doing her Hw.
My best friend had the talk with Ms.FakeFace today at 5:00 pm.
It is currently 6:45 pm. I hope it went well and waiting for my best friend to text me.
I'm drinking a zebra Hot chocolate with peppermint  Its a custom drink and its awesome!!! So good!
My cousin wants to go get Christmas lights to decorate her room. I really hope i hear from my best friend soon... 

Edit from later that night:

My cousin and I finished putting up the lights in her room and had a crazy adventure. So after we got home getting the lights we noticed about a hour later instead of white clear lights we bought 3 out of the 4 boxes of colored lights. Someone put the wrong lights back in the white lights box and we didn't check so yeah havoc ensued. It was 8:40 and Target closed at 9. We rushed back to target and swapped out the lights for the correct ones with 3 minutes to spare. It was funny.

I'm now sitting in my spot in my cousin's room with my head leaning back against the wall. I FINALLY got a hold of my best friend. The "fight" didn't go well....  
She said she needs to think about what happened so i'm going to try again and text her tomorrow.
I'm tired and hope i can get this figured out....

12.4.12

Its Over... Forever Maybe 12.3.12

Ms.FakeFace texted me today.


If your wondering how that went it didn't go well.
My Best Friend is here and helping me through this.

Pretty much what happened was Ms.FakeFace texted me this morning asking if i had a problem with her because i haven't talked to her in forever. Nothing more nothing less.
So the situation has become my fault i guess... 
So responded a 6 text length text to her stating, Yes i am mad at her, why you ask? Because she feels its necessary to tell everyone that we are in a problem yet she cant talk about and since i don't i know why she's mad, it feel like it doesn't exist. she is playing a game that was never fun to start with. She and i needed to talk and fix it.

She then responds with, that she was sorry we didn't agree and that she "thinks" i'm wrong. Also she wants to part ways for while and she is sorry i think poorly of her.
Once again she didn't tell me the problem.. She avoided it but still made it my fault for a reason that i have no idea of.
I asked her if she wanted to either fix it now or later. I believe her response was never.
So i guess that will be the solution to my never ending problem and that's the only silver lining i get out of this...
I'm sorry to say Ms.FakeFace will probably not reoccur in this blog anymore until things if they ever, settle down. 
I'm happy i no longer have to deal with her BS.
My Best friend is furious and is going to talk to her and find out stuff for me.
Everything just sucks right now.

12.3.12 

Literally... (my life described by pictures #2) 12.2.12

This is what happens when i try to blog when i'm too Tired or way to lazy. Yes the bunny is necessary so don't drink the haterade. 

BTW I hit 205 page views.... really....but most importantly why?

12.2.12

You Will Get Me Nowhere 12.1.12

Rain ticking against my window, Thinking

Sounds of a silent house, Imagining

No sign of life from friends, Wishing

Feeling worthless, Hurting

Thinking while Imagining for the reality that comes from Wishing that i wasn't Hurting.

The top is a poem I wrote. I used to be very into writing poetry and used to be quite good at it. I have lost my touch but still enjoy writing it from time to time. Besides writing poetry i love to read, run, write stories and paint to relieve stress or when i'm upset.

Someone that has been on my mind lately is Ms.FakeFace..
I'm sick of going back and forth thinking whether or not remaining friends with her.
I'm also disturbed that she only seems to be "worried" about me or whatever to other people besides myself. She texted my Best Friend a couple days ago asking if i was ok since i didn't respond to her text about everyone meeting up. I didn't see they text until i got home so i didn't feel a need to respond at 11:40 at night. She also told my Best Friend that she would talk to me.... NOPE hasn't happened for anyone curious...
What i don't get is why is she putting on a show that she "cares" about me, yet never asks me directly or shows affection toward the actual person shes "worried" about. I even heard that she is considering meeting up with me to talk. This puts me into a pickle. 
I'm actually quite afraid to meet up with her honestly... The last time we had a talk, she ended up making snide remarks and kept showing that stupid smirk of hers. I felt horrible after she left and got quite upset when she left. I actually went into my sister's room crawled into her bed and cried. This has never happened so my sister knew something was wrong and now she cant stand Ms.FakeFace. I would rather not go through that unpleasant experience again thank you...
But half of me wants to see our friendship become what it was... The sweet christian girl who i used to look up to even though i think is younger then me.
The old person who i didn't have to refer to as Ms.FakeFace. The person who used to be a great friend and always had a good christian answer to everything  The person who i used to think our friendship would last. My dear friend....

After all of this, IF the talk would actually ever happen, She needs to act like a mature adult and talk with respect from one adult to the other. Do i want this person as a friend who only wants to benefit by making herself look good to other people. Yeah maybe not. My best friend can be friends with her if she likes, she wont listen to me or realize how fake this person is.

 Ms.FakeFace, you are my never ending problem...

12.1.12

Our Anchors Will Make Us Drown 11.30.12

We carry these things inside us

That No one else can see

They hold us down like Anchors

They drown us out at sea.

I love this poem.

It signifies that if you let your probelms run your life it will ruin you. It will effect all your emotional levels and it will consume you if you let it.

The word Drown makes me think of being overwhelmed and feeling like you can't escape.

 Also at times when my problems are at their greatest, i feel like i can't breath.

                             As If I Am Drowning.....

If you let problems become like heavy anchors, they will hold you back. It will be hard to shake these anchors and you will feel like the heavy weight of them but they will break or over time rust away.                               You will be free.... 

I know i have many anchors. Many have rusted away but i have added new ones in their places.

I have some that have become fixed and harder to remove. I have some that are heavier then others and i have some so small i barley notice them, but bother me when noticed.

Most are worries, fears, sadness, pain, hurt, loss. My largest one is being lonely or just feeling like i don't belong anywhere.

But My heaviest one is my worries about my health.

Am i going to get better? Is it not what i think it is? Is it worse then that? Will this last forever? Am i never going to feel normal again? Why am i always dizzy? Will my doctor visit go bad? Is my life going to be short?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

All day everyday,

These are the anchors i bare.

11.24.12

The Big Picture.. That I Cut Myself From 11.29.12

I'm sitting here realizing something i should have figured out already. I'm disappointed in my intelligence for not being able to configure this reality previous in time. The Big Picture of: 

 Why Am I Still Friends With These Deficient People?


These people include:
Ms.FakeFace, Mr.BootCamp, Ms.BlowOff, Mr.Playboy, And various other people.
I'm angry with myself for getting too emotionally involved and for allowing them to get so far under my skin that it was painful to try to pull their thorny vines from where they had grown in. Too much blood, pain and tears were spilled for this group.
I know now i need to just cut them away. I may still 
have some vines left but at least the connections will be severed. I feel like a grade *A* idiot for crying so many times over this group. Feeling so afraid to lose their friendships that i reverted to the helplessness of a baby and just cried.
I cried multiple times to Ms.FakeFace to have her ask me why they were that important. It wasn't her fault for asking such a stupid question. It is my fault for making friends such stupid people. 
My heart needs to grow again.
There has been a black void where my heart once laid. I need to have it become full of love, happiness and positive feelings again.
I need to fill the cracks and voids that this group has ripped from their rightful places in my heart.
I'm not being a depressed waste of space, i'm being realistic. None of these people besides my best friend and Mr.TooFarAway (intro coming soon) have reached out to me. 
When i say reach out i mean text me to talk not to let me know everyone is hanging out.
I mean a "hey you have been on my mind lately and we need to fix out friendship before it fizzles out."
But i'm just Humoring to myself. I know this will NEVER happen. I need to realize the true reality of the matter and wake up. 

There is this matter that has been hurting me lately which is that Mr.Bootcamp has been writing letter to everyone except myself and My Best friend.
It really hurts... I though i mattered.
                                                        Guess Not..
So i now know i want nothing more to do with Mr.BootCamp anymore. When he comes home i will not see him. If i was worth a small minute of his time he would have written me a letter.
But whatever the bridge is burned and his vines have been cut. I Have Moved On For The Better.

Now i'm going to talk about another person i haven't introduced yet. 
Mr.PlayBoy ladies and gents.

When i say playboy i don't mean the sexy magazine full of girls. I mean a boy who is a HUGE flirt and leads everyone on. A boy who plays everyone.
Continuing on, I met Mr.PlayBoy the first time i went to my OLD church. He was sweet, really good looking, and just really nice. We really hit it off well. we talked for while nonstop and he would sometimes pick me up before church groups and we would hangout a lot.   I really liked him.. Like really really liked him. It might have what people call being in love. I unfortunately have never been in love so i cant say what i was feeling was that.
And at the time i thought he really liked me too.. My Big Mistake, but anyway, 
I though it would be a great idea to bring my sister to church with me. My other mistake.
He pushed me to the curb and started exclusively only talking to my sister. I was old news.
And i knew he really liked her.
It was the most painful boy experience i have ever experienced. He stopped liking her when he found out she smoked. 
I decided to never try with Mr.PlayBoy again. It inst worth the heart break.
I know he would never like a person like me. No one will ever like a person like me.
Mr.PlayBoy suffers from what you might call "The New Girl" syndrome. Whoever is the newest girl added to the mix is, he shows feelings toward that person until he finds something wrong with her or just until the next girl comes along.


It has been hard lately because hanging out with Mr.PlayBoy has forced me to watch him lead girls on over and over again. This happened to Ms.BlowOff even after me warning her. and now he has or had his eyes set on my Best friend. The newest edition to the group.
How terrible would that have been. To watch my dearest closest friend date the boy who i used to have great feelings for. That would have been a living hell on earth. BUT i would have supported her because i always want her to be happy and will always have her back. It would have stabbed my heart to see them together but my Best friends happiness would have been worth that.
I think i realize that i'm never going to be a guys first pick. I'm always in the shadows behind all the beautiful girls everywhere.


Why Am I So Thick Skinned?

These people aren't really my friends and i should have figured this out along time ago. I am gaining nothing being these people's friends.
I think i need to do is wait a tad bit longer to see if i have to nip in it the bud if nothing proceeds to progress. I have waited this long, why not a little more?
I think the reason i'm still waiting for a change is for the following reasons:
I miss the old versions of my friends.
I don't have many friends left to spare.
I want to be around my Best Friend so i will have to put up a act to hangout with the group. 
I'm really lonely.
Most of all i have a false hope,
But what else is new?

11.23.12

The Trick That Brings Me Out of a Funk EVERY TIME. 11.22.12

What is my secret to happiness?
I search for pictures and Gifs of Baby Bunnies.
Works Every time. Your argument is invalid.

11.22.12

안녕하세요! Hola! Hallo! And Hello! My Blog Has Gone International. 11.21.12

I looked at my overview today... I usually don't look that often because my page count is really depressing... But i saw i have visitors from,
Germany, Spain, South Korea, and the United states.
WOW this made my day!!

For German readers:
Hallo! Willkommen zu meinem Blog! Ich bin sehr glücklich, Sie zu deutsche Leser hier.

For Spanish readers:
Hola! Bienvenido a mi blog! Estoy muy feliz de lectores españoles aquí.

For Korean readers:
안녕하세요! 내 블로그에 오신 것을 환영합니다! 난 아주 한국어 독자가 기쁘게 내 블로그를 읽어보.

For English readers:
Hello! Welcome to my blog! I am so happy to have English readers here.

I really much do enjoy that people in other countries are reading my blog. The world is a amazing place and i hope to travel it someday.
I'm going to write more personal blogs in different languages in the future.
So look forward to that!

11.21.12

My Life as a blogger (Picture Summery #1) 11.20.12

Goddammit this is me.... Hahahaha 

11.20.12

Reality 11.19.12

Sometimes
I feel As Though No One Realizes Their Actions And How It Effects Others In Their Lives.
How Damaging They Can Be.
I'm Just Left To Internally Scream. Unable to Escape.
And As Always,
I Can't Change Much Anyway..

11.19.12

Everyone Deserves Someone Who Makes Them Look Forward To Tommorrow 11.18.12

Its One of those moments that everyone goes through. I wishing to have a person who would text them everyday saying that they are beautiful and amazing. I am i one of those funks wishing i had a boyfriend. I have been single for so long its starting to get to me. I used to not care about dating or whatever. But being in a relationship is everywhere and i am always being reminded of that i'm single.
Either on Tumblr with the cute couples. My sister having her boyfriend over which makes me feel lonely  Thinking back to every guy who i lied who didn't give me the time of day or that we just ended terrible. I even go to the store and see couples together to just the simple sign of a wedding ring. This has become a terrible habit of mine. If i see a cute boy i always look at his ring finger or look for a girl tided to his waist. I feel like i'm going to be single forever unforgettably. I'm 19 years old and never loved. In today's world of standards that's "really sad". I feel like i'm never going to be good enough for anyone. I might as well settle on a really ugly guy because that's all i have to pick from. I feel like everyone and their mom is dating or has had someone they loved. I'm just left alone to feel shitty about myself.
When will a good guy come alone and sweep me off my feet. Its always bottom feeders or just guys who want to have me. Why cant i be good enough? Yes i know i'm not sexy or hot, but i'm not that ugly either.. at least i hope i'm not.
So i feel like my depression is getting worse day by day.. I just Feel So                                                                                       Alone
11.18.12

First Day of I Hope to be Many 11.17.12

This is my first "happy" blog.
Surprising right?
Today started off with me waking up at 2:23 pm. I didn't sleep well last night but i never do so its ok.
I got ready to go out to a dinner i have been stressing about. my cousin's 17th birthday party. I didn't want to get terrible in the middle of my cousins dinner. So at 4:30 i got picked up from my house and we were on our way to Bjs pizza and brewery.
Upon arriving to the patio for my cousins dinner she looked from talking to her friends to see me. A huge smile arrived on her face and got up from the table to give me a huge hug. It was a surprise that i was coming. They didn't tell her and that made my night. She loved the presents i made her. I made her a bookmark and painted her a picture. After dinner we went to see Wreck it Ralph. Umm Cutest movie ever! It was amazing.
Tonight i felt like my cousin and i became closer and i hope she texts me soon so we can hang out. Tonight was just awesome. I hope more nights like this happen. Without the dizziness please haha

11.18.12

Too Many Words 11.16.12

Ok so immense frustration time.
Have you ever had a person treat you like tar and you have only treated them with friendly respect and love? We'll for some reason i have one of these problems of a person leached to me.
I have no idea what is going on in this person's mind. Can anyone guess who this person is?
Well lets play a game to try to guess who it is.
Ok for starters i have mentioned this person in my blog. I have mentioned that they changed for the wrong. They are really frustrating. I feel like this person is playing games with the wrong person. They are FAKE... if that didn't give it away u need to go reread my blogs haha. Yup its ding ding ding Ms.FakeFace! Shocking shes in my blog again isn't it? I SWEAR I'm not obsessed with her... shes just a problem i have on my mind and i cant even express how frustrated i am that i cant fix this problem. Whats the problem you ask? This individual is fake and heartless. Sure she may wears the face of the past amazingly loving friend i once had. But sadly she is the empty shell of that person.
I have never done wrong to her. She sure acts like i have gave her hell all of her life lately. I have had My Best Friend ask her whats up with how shes treating me so terrible to have Ms.FF say, "don't get involved, its none of your problem." Then drop the conversation. Are You Freaking Kidding Me. She needs to at least tell someone why shes being a huge if i may say immature brat to me. Like I'm the person who she is treating like this and i have no idea why shes being like this. Like when I'm with the group, (who i have not heard of since that last blog) she acts all nice and hugs me, but when its just the two of us her true colors show. She has no right to be treating me like she had been. I haven't talked to her recently so i cant say she has done anything recently but I'm going off the past few conversations and in person encounters i have had with her. I'm getting to the point if i was to talk to her i would probably lash out at her. She just doesn't get it. I have been thinking back to when all the sex drama was going on and i stood up to her and called her out for being stupid for not believing My Best Friend. Also called bullshit on her "not taking sides" Suuuure tell your little black heart that to make help make you feel better about yourself you little Bitch. Yeah you heard me ms.FF. Gosh you make me laugh! What the hell have i EVER done to you? Oh BTW your dad is really shitty at his job. I never dis adults ever! But this is my special case. HIS job is a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR and he cant tell if someone is lying to his face? May god save the queen on that one. Are you shitting me? I'm not some fancy investigator and i was able to tell the bastard was lying. Woot woot yeah I'm kinda awesome. Just kidding i suck at life but I'm becoming slowly ok with that.

Ms.FF if i ever get the chance to say this to your face i hope i have the courage.
I want to say this:
E****,
You have been a terrible friend. What the heck is wrong with you? You have become this person who is not you. The old you was not this egotistical freak with a stupid brain. yes i just called you stupid. Why are you treating me like this? What have i ever done to you? Sure i stood up to you but i had my friend's back when u left her for dead for i boy i know u probably have weird feelings for. Which is why i secretly think u tried to destroy My Best Friend so you wouldn't have her for competition. My sister is the one who helped me with this. She said your instagram makes you sound obsessed with him. Well your never gonna have a chance with him because he hates what u have become and how for someone who "moves on and forgets" Truly you will never this incident let this die. I know if they are ever together you will never let them be with out you babysitting. Also YOU sold him and My Best Friend out to your dad to "help them". How in gods name did your brain  come to that conclusion to think that was a good idea? Yeah your gonna tell your dad everything and he wont do anything about it? Why did u involve yourself? I was involved beacause i had to say the truth and give My Best Friend a voice. Why couldn't you either have kept it to your self like a REAL friend would have or brought it to the group? Your a idiot sweety.
I still don't understand what i EVER did to you. This game your playing really isn't fun anymore. Its a joke. I really hope you figure your self out because i promise you NO ONE likes the new you. Sure ill have the balls to say it to your face. NO ONE likes what u have become. I mean your laughing, snide comments and making faces during our talk. Yeah your a terrible and immature person. Never in my life have i seen the most mature person i have ever met resort to the maturity of that of a 10 year old. Oh and That weird personality you have downloaded. You must have gotten virus unfortunately and fried your circuits.
I'm really upset at you. Please tell me what your problem is!



My Best Friend I'm going to be honest for like 1 minute. I beg that you don't get mad for what I'm about to say.

I dont understand when u say undecided with Ms.FF when on instagram/facebook you guys post hearts and smiles all the time to each other. Either be her friend while she treats me like garbage or tell her that you don't like how shes treating me and have my back to help me fix it. It really upsets me that your talking to her while shes being a bitch. Remember when i went to her house and yelled some sense into her until she talked to me and i didnt let the "its none of my buisness" thing slide. All the while she had her back turned on you? Well the roles have now switched and you seem to be really close with her.
I love you so much and your my most valuable friend... the above isn't said in anger at all. I'm just expressing my hurt and concerns about this. I'm just having a hard time understanding it.... I have typed this passage like 9 times erasing it each and every time.. I hope I'm allowed to be honest lovely. I'm a coward that's why i wrote it in my blog... I know you tried to talk to her but i hope you remember i didn't care about what happened to her and my friendship to the point i yelled at her for you. I was kinda hoping you would have my back...
This is what i have been struggling with and why i have been acting weird and off lately. You being busy hence your distance did not help either but i understood.
I'm just becoming this worthless person. I just wish you could help. I know I'm a idiot and make all the wrong choices from thinking with my emotions and over react to everything. BUT i know somehow our friendship will last. We are forever friends. As that song said,
 
Wherever you go just always remember
That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low just call me whenever
 
This is my oath to you

Wherever you go just always remember
You're never alone, we're birds of a feather
And we'll never change no matter the weather
 
This is my oath to you

AD INFINITUM <3

11.16.12

Being Real and Being Saved 11.15.12

While on Youtube, one of the people i am subscribed to posted a video about his fears of currently making videos and thinking he has been letting has fans. In the middle of the video he said the blow quote:

After hearing him speak those words i paused the video and just sat there. Those words were the truth of what i have been struggling with lately. They hit me right at home.

Every Person, Deep Down, Whether They Are Willing To Admit It Or Not, Just, They Want Other People To Like Them.

I actually became a little emotional over it. I just sat there thinking of all the following:

For all those people who i wish could have accepted me.. All the friends that i have lost and are losing. All the horrible people that made high school hell for me. All the snide remarks. Terrible nicknames. The ones ignorant to how hard i had it at home. To The ones who were so much better then me to care less that my mom used to hit me and has a anger problem.
All the pain those people caused me to the point i almost did them a favor by ending my life. I just want to belong somewhere.
To have people who will be proud to announce me as their friend. People who wont play games with my fragile heart. Someone who would reach out to me like all the people i have done so to. Someone to realize how much i'm hurting. Just so much hurt in my heart. Someone who will stand up with me and fight all these battles. Someone to tell me that i'm just enough. Someone who wont easily replace me. Just to be loved. 
I just want people to accept me for who i am. I want to meet people who will want to be with me, respond to my texts after a reasonable amount of time or just giving me the decency to even responding at all, without me having to ask for one.
Someone who will never blow me off regardless of how busy they are. Someone who can love me..
Someone to tell me everything will be ok and just make me feel like this life is worth living.
I want a boyfriend who likes me for me and not my body. I'm sick that is always about my breasts and my body. I want him to like me first and not be my sisters constant sloppy seconds. I want to feel beautiful... Most of all just ACCEPTANCE.
Im sick of feeling so alone all the time. Sure i have been invited out these past nights but can i truly call some of them my friends? tonight and tomorrow are with people i hardly know.. i got invited out last night with my Best Friend and Ms.BlowOff but i got terrible and couldn't go.
All of this just sounds like me being a depressed lump on the log, but i'm actually pretty emotionally decent right now but bothered by something at the moment. I'm just being honest and real.



                      I'M JUST SO ALONE.




Last night i decided while praying to god i would ask to be re saved and to have him hold me and heal me. I prayed for probably like 2 hours, crying the whole time. I just felt so broken, I am a shell of the old person i used to be and i feel just as fake as Ms.FakeFace. I'm not the extremely happy and always positive person i have always been. The giggly, didn't care what the world thinks, and the one who was on a bright path toward to the future. Lately i have been treading on the dark path of no return. I just have felt so worthless and i became to realize that my life is nothing and what am i even doing anymore.. I asked god to give my life a purpose and to heal me. I needed god to rescue me. I couldn't take my dizziness anymore. So after i finished praying i felt amazing last night. I even felt better today but still little yucky but i didn't sleep enough last night. So i am now going to defiantly put all my effort and try to be a Christian again. I am truly lucky to have a god who loves me so and who would save someone as worthless as I. 


11.15.12

My Life Is No Longer My Own.... 11.14.12

I feel like i am no longer in control of my life. This week i have been invited to so many things that i cant even fathom it. YET i have felt the worst i have ever felt this week. I feel like i have no luck at all. I finally started "having a life" yet i cant leave home. My father said i will be able to go see the doctor in a week. So that is amazing to me and i hope that really happens. I Feel Terrible!! Feeling dizzy all the damn time.  I have been feeling this way for a month and two days. That is way too long.  I feel like i am no longer in control of my life...
I got invited out tonight to hang out with Ms.BlowOff (shockingly) and My Best Friend. I was really excited i got invited. I really wanted to go for one it sounded really fun. Also i really want to mend the friendship between Ms.BlowOff and myself so tonight would have been my chance at doing so...but unfortunately, of course, i wasn't feeling good. So i told them maybe next time. Needless to say i got really frustrated with how i have been feeling and with everything in my life so finally caved in and cried. I sat on my sisters bed with my sister and her boyfriend hugging me and i just cried. Tonight was the first night i have ever cried about whatever is wrong with me. I have been really stressing about it and i seriously couldn't take it anymore.. so like the weak, worthless person that i am i just cried. I wasn't a ugly cry or a sobbing cry but i just a small cry. I felt really blessed to have my sister and her boyfriend with me. They even brought home Yogurtland for me. I'm just so frustrated that i no longer have the rights to my life and whatever that is wrong with me rules over it.
I don't believe its all in my head. I could be very optimistic and feeling great to have it blow up in my face... well my head.

I'm also invited to go out tomorrow night, the next night and the night after that. SERIOUSLY why all now?!? Why cant i just feel completely fine so i can go out? I'm so afraid to leave my house now from me getting disorientated and dizzy is becoming way to often. Luckily i will hopefully see if My Best Friend will go with me tomorrow night or the next night. My dad is getting a new car with prepaid gas from his  new work sometime this week. So he will also be able to pick me up if i need him to. Which would help since i get worried when i get terrible in my head and cant get home. My biggest worry is i'm supposed to go out with my step cousin's family for her birthday and we will be in a restaurant setting so i need to be completely ok because i cant just leave in the middle of it. I am super excited for the gifts i'm giving her. They are all hand made and i worked really hard on them. I hope she likes them.


On a random note, i saw this quote on Tumblr and it stuck out to me for many reasons. I retyped it exactly as it looked:




A
LL
THE
THIN
GS YO
U THOU
GHT WER
E  TRUE W
ERE  JUST :
YOUR EYES'
IDEAS OF HO
W YOU SHOUL
D SEE ONE LITT
LE  SLICE  OF THI
S GIGANTIC,  MAG
ICAL WORLD OF OU
RS. DO NOT BE CONT
ROLLED BY  PERCEPT
ION: TAKE CONTROL O
F HOW YOU READ REAL
ITY, IN  ALL  ITS  BEAUTY

                                      -KR12

I liked the way it looked for starters. Its looks and the meaning of the quote mesh together and it literally shows what it says. Amazingly intuitive if i may say. I need to open my eyes and see the world. Not just believe what i think i have seen or just what i have seen in books. Like i have never seen  snow fall in real life. I have seen it snow barley and if for 2 minutes at that when we were leaving big bear. i have seen it on tv or in pictures. I want to see it in real life really bad. I want to really see it, not the joke of it i saw in big bear.
I need to go out and see and i mean Really see.


11.14.12

Stress is a just Caged Bird 11.13.12

"I get paranoid sometimes and i'm convinced everyone hates me. I have been told i just have social anxiety. I think i'm just smart enough to know the face of human nature is so horrifyingly ugly."

Ill admit that i constantly stress about  what others think of me. Whether i'm pretty enough, acting normal, or even just good enough.
Stress is a apart of life. 
Today i went to college groups with out my side kick in crime: My Best Friend.
She wasn't feeling good so i went solo.
The entire time i felt like my dizziness was going to take over my life because i seriously cant go outside anymore.
The worst part was i felt stuck there... like i didn't have my best friend to take me home if things got terrible.
By the end of the night i ended up having a great time once i let that i was feeling sick go and that is ok. I KNOW its not all in my head but i need to learn how to live with it until it gets better.
I often resort to this quote:
"Don't Stress about it.
Just think of it as a caged bird being set free. You'll worry about the bird and how its handling things, but you know you did the right thing and you just have to trust that things will turn out all right."

On a positive note.
My Best Friend and I are ok.
Oh Great Mother Of Jesus Christ!! This is the best news ever. I seriously thought i ruined the best thing i had in my life. I am so happy!
Sorry for the short blog. its 11:58 and i ran out of time.... Shoot

11.13.12

I Fucked Up And I'm Sorry 11.12.12

I fucked up last night

I always do this......

Why can't i just think like a rational person for once

in my life?

Why can't i do anything right?

Why did i freak out?

Even though you said things are fine you won't return communication.

Why did things get like this?

What happened?

Why couldn't just me be good enough?

I'm sick to my stomach that i may have ruined the best thing i ever had.

I hope to talk to you tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you.

I hope i can fix things.

I still don't feel like everything's ok...

Please talk to me..............

Our conversations have become like what it would be with Ms.BlowOff.

                                            One Sided.....

For What Its Worth... I'm Really Sorry....

I Know I Fucked up....My Best Friend.

11.12.12

Beauty is Only Skin Deep...Yeah Right. 11.11.12

Am I beautiful?
This is the question I ask myself on a daily basis. Comparing myself to
literally everyone gorgeous. Looking in the mirror to be disappointed every time. Always feeling self conscious about myself. Why
should I? I live up to society's standard of being hot: Skinny, huge boobs,
green/gray/blue eyes, and blond.

Why can't i be good enough?

But what am I more then that? My face isn't that attractive as my nickname back
in school, "but.her.face", showed what everyone thought of me. Also if my
insides reflect on the outside, I'm shown as a self conscious, sad, lonely,
shameful person. Heck I have been single forever, my sister and about everyone
is dating or talks about sex. I'm just sitting her saying cool story guys I
can't really add. Sure my old party days and all the crap from that totally
doesn't remind me of everything I'm ashamed of.

I'm just ashamed of myself.

All the people I know tell me that I'm pretty or cute or have a great body but
now I know I don't think I am worth anymore then that. Heck my own friends don't
want anything to do with me. All the crushes I have ever had never looked my way
and those who I dated or kissed it ended bad or I only said yes to help deny my
feelings of never experiencing what people my age have experienced.

I am a loser.

That is what I know and what I have accepted. I mean what don't I have that all
the girls on my Tumblr dashboard have? Oh the looks, the thick hair, the
"perfect" body, the sexiness, the long legs, being tall, or just looking my own
age.
I have never in my life been told I'm HOT or SEXY. Always cute or small. I have
been told I have a vibe that tells boys, "look but don't touch", or
,"Inexperienced". And to this day I'm still bothered with that fact. Is this why
boys won't come near me... Do I have to seem easy to bring the boys to the yard?
I'm ashamed whenever I am with people I'm always the single person with no one
to flirt with... I don't really have any action at the moment and anything that
swings my way isn't my type at all or just junk. Why is it always me who
attracts the non hot specimen of men? Am I too nice to everyone and it comes of
as flirting..  I just enjoy being nice and treating everyone equal. It isn't
that person's fault hes unattractive. I get that But I'm sorry if your not my
type. But my type of guy would never even look my way. I have seen this in the
past many times. But That's how I truly feel when I get attracted by certain
men. I can't change it! It's who I am and what I like.
I hope maybe someday I'll be given the miracle of a guy who sees more then just
my body. I have no idea if my personality sucks too. I'm just sick of how I feel
about myself. Like I sometimes sit in my room like a loser and cry or the old me
would cut myself.

EVERY POSITIVE COMMENT TOWARD ME IS ALWAYS ABOUT MY BODY AND NOTHING MORE THEN
THAT!!!!
What the fuck is so wrong with me? Why cant I be good enough like how Ms.
BlowOff, Ms.FakeFace and my Best Friend are? I'm so jealous of them... Just so
very jealous. All have amazing things going for them in their own ways and don't
have problems with attracting guys. My Best Friend has the added bonus of an
amazing awesome personality and the confidence I wish I had. She's also just so
gorgeous and doesn't need tons of makeup to show off all she has. She just has
this power to her that radiates off of her. And doesn't have the crappy vibes I
have been told I have...

I wish I didn't need to get a guy to make myself feel different then I do. I
wish I could just accept what I got and not the reality of what I currently
think and feel about myself. I have been sucked into what society thinks is hot
and what's not. I'm just sad and unattractive... With a crappy personality with
a non fun vibes. Awesome huh boys, I'm free and available but don't worry I'm
going to be on the market for a long time... with a bonus  of Forever.

11.11.12

My Tumblr Dashboard Made Me Do This. 11.10.12

Last night i felt absolutely terrible. My health unfortunately isn't improving... I just need to hope for insurance soon so i can go see a doctor. What i have cannot be cured with out prescribed meds.
So last night my Best Friend came over to visit me!
Even though i was gross and could barley understand and comprehend a lot of what she was saying i loved just her presence with me.
It made my night that out of the blue she was like,"hey can i come over :D".
She lives sorta far away so it rocked that she came over at like 10:30 and stayed till like 1 am. We talked about my religious struggles and various other things. I was very happy with her being with me!


While scrolling on Tumblr a lot of quotes kept appearing on my dashboard. This got my mind flying on various thoughts. Some of what i have been thinking about lately.  Here are some of the ones that caught my attention.

"I'm in that type of mood where i hate everyone except like one or two people, but i think those people probably hate me so just UGH fuck everything!"

Ok so when reading this quote i was in complete agreement with the premise of it. I can totally relate to it except i know i have 3 people who i believe don't hate me. My Best Friend, my sister and her bf which is more like the brother i never had.
I am very much in a mood where i hate people in general. Most are terrible creatures who only care for themselves and are very dark at heart. Sure they're are many who say they aren't but when was the last time you went out of your way to reach out to someone you know is struggling and say,"Hey i have been thinking about you and i'm always here if you need me". I For sure am always doing this. I did it yesterday to be more precise.  I was the person who always reached out to the kid no one talked to and stood up for the bullied. My Best Friend can vouch for this when i hear something about someone that isn't true or i don't see fit i will confront the individual and tell them how ridiculous they are being to the point that i don't care if i'm going to lose them as a friend. (EX: Me Vs Ms.FakeFace for my best friends sake)
Try to not follow the standard of being awful and make someones day.

"Remember that i love you,
Remember that i care about you,
Remember that i'm here for you,
Remember that you're not alone,
Remember that You are loved,
And if you kill yourself, 
You will kill apart of me."

This is the quote or a different version similar of this is what i try to remember when i tread along that dark path. I also tell the ones who are not to far behind the same message so they can either walk back with me or keep going toward the place no one returns. The most permanent change we can make in our life. The thing with suicide, it looks like a great answer to everything terrible in life, but
You aren't just hurting yourself your hurting everyone who loves you in your life. I had a friend of the age of 16 recently try to kill herself when her boyfriend of 3 months broke it off with her. I couldn't even fathom when she told me this. I couldn't even believe the extreme idiocy of her. It was the closest i have ever set a hand to someone. I mean are you kidding me? Your going to end your life based on a boy leaving you after 3 short months? This kids is why having sex or playing around the bases at a young age can be a terrible thing. YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT.  
Wait until your at least 18.You can argue with me on this but this is my opinion. Whenever sex is involved for a girl, she will become 85% more emotionally involved then the boy. So wait as long as possible before hooking up young ladies. It wont be as easy as it seams. especially if you haven't had sex yet. I will admit i haven't had sex yet and i'm not ashamed of it to a degree. I just had the ability to say no. I'm not waiting for marriage because that's really stupid, but i haven't found the guy i want to have sex with yet.

"And when people try to minimize your pain, they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain your doing yourself a disservice. Don't do that. The truth is that it hurts because it's real. It hurts because it mattered. And that's an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn't mean that it won't end, it wont get better. Because IT WILL.
-John Green"

I love love love this quote.
It hurts because its real and it mattered.
That's  a awesome mind set to have. Asdffgh! YES!
It will get better and it may take forever but it will!
I don't necessarily agree with not trying to take away your and other people's pain but i understand the concept of what this quote is trying to say. I might have read it wrong but my mind is in a haze and i can barley type right now and i may re look at it in the near future that is tomorrow.
                                                              11.10.12