I have been in my dark hole of depression since last week, and today didn't help, I found out no matter where i run my past comes back to haunt me... the fact i used to be "weird".
Yes i'll admit i have changed from my past self of 4 years ago.
I was a little different from anyone else. Had the brand of "Weird" branded on me. What people don't realize what i had going on at home and during my entire life.
My mom used to hit and abuse me when she was angry.
We had huge financial problems going on.
I had a eating problem
Found out my mom was cheating on my dad.
My sister used to hate me.
Everyone had already judged me
Struggled to fit in
Just felt so alone
Just wanted one friend
Cut Myself everyday
Everything lead to me trying to commit Suicide.
After that night of my attempted suicide during freshman year of high school,
I realized i needed to change.
I acted more mature, cared about my appearance, shut the world out from all around me, accepted that no one from my high school would be friends with me and i would have to just endure 3 more years to graduation. I become what people wanted me to me.
I was FAKE.
I was not my true self... I hated the person i became, the one who flew under the radar. So i decided to crack most of my mask off, it was scary. Right after this, I met the Group i have mentioned in most of my blogs. Finally felt like i fit in. I had good memories with them, My first Real friends. Sadly i'm not friends with them anymore but i'm glad i met such great people when i was at my most vulnerable with out that mask which protected me. Yes i have been extremely hurt by this group yet i'm glad i remind strong enough to keep that mask off.
I think this is why this group hurt me so much when i lost them. This is the answer i wish i had gave to Ms.FakeFace. The reason on why they mattered to me so much.. I felt like i could be my real self to them, like i finally mattered.
So yes i am different from my past self but i only Grew up. I didn't change what i liked and loved, i went back to thinking appearance isn't everything, I'm still mature then i was but that comes with age. I'm older now and know i only want people around me who actually like me for me. I also just need to meet more new people who don't know about my past.
But unfortunately it always seems to come back.
I started going to this college group which i felt really accepted in. But then i see a person from my past at the college group and immediately know if fucked. I then find out that yes he has spread gossip about my old weird self. So their goes my chance at a dating life or friends. I was distraught when i found this out from my friend.
I have been thinking about it a lot though. I finally realized how stupid i have been. Why the hell am i doing feeling sorry for myself. I don't know for a fact yet that i have lost this fight. I might be thinking the worst and need to just be strong. I'm going to show this group how much i have fucking changed. I'm a way better person then to spread gossip about someone. So fuck you to who ever says i'm weird and guess what? YES I'm Weird and i'm proud of it! I have my best friend so i must be "normal" enough to have her as a awesome friend.
So i want to say this to who ever is reading this:
You Are AWESOME! Yes You. You are unique and have a great purpose to this life to make a difference somewhere. NEVER let anyone get you down or get inside your head. Don't let the haters hate.
Or the way my Best Friend says it,
"Naysayers Gonna Naysay".
Life is never worth you killing yourself. You may be the creator to the cure to cancer for all you know and your going to end your life over something so trivial.
You have purpose and you are loved. I don't even know you but I Love You. I love your future, past, mistakes, Flaws, everything that makes you, YOU.
Your Flaws make you perfect. You are a amazing person and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You will get your heart broken, Friends will stab you in the back, Will lose loved ones, But hey this is life. Even though it seems hard now IT FUCKING GETS BETTER. I'm Sorta living proof of this. We all are, Congrats you have lived as long as you have. You so far have not let these things get in the way of where you are now, even if your still in the dark deep hole, all you now have to do is look up and start climbing. It will seem hard and scary but its amazing and well worth it seeing the beauty of this life when you start to live it to the fullest. You can do it! Tommorrow do a good deed, Hold the door open for someone even though they might not say thank you. Give your seat up on the bus or train, pick of a piece of trash, pay for the person behind you in a drive through, say good morning or whatever to a stanger. Your Little actions will be a huge Impact on someone. You might set of a chain reaction that will spread like wild fire. This world needs more of this form of love. Lets Do this.
And no matter what,
And stay YOU.
12.9.12
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