Am I beautiful?
This is the question I ask myself on a daily basis. Comparing myself to
literally everyone gorgeous. Looking in the mirror to be disappointed every time. Always feeling self conscious about myself. Why
should I? I live up to society's standard of being hot: Skinny, huge boobs,
green/gray/blue eyes, and blond.
Why can't i be good enough?
But what am I more then that? My face isn't that attractive as my nickname back
in school, "but.her.face", showed what everyone thought of me. Also if my
insides reflect on the outside, I'm shown as a self conscious, sad, lonely,
shameful person. Heck I have been single forever, my sister and about everyone
is dating or talks about sex. I'm just sitting her saying cool story guys I
can't really add. Sure my old party days and all the crap from that totally
doesn't remind me of everything I'm ashamed of.
I'm just ashamed of myself.
All the people I know tell me that I'm pretty or cute or have a great body but
now I know I don't think I am worth anymore then that. Heck my own friends don't
want anything to do with me. All the crushes I have ever had never looked my way
and those who I dated or kissed it ended bad or I only said yes to help deny my
feelings of never experiencing what people my age have experienced.
I am a loser.
That is what I know and what I have accepted. I mean what don't I have that all
the girls on my Tumblr dashboard have? Oh the looks, the thick hair, the
"perfect" body, the sexiness, the long legs, being tall, or just looking my own
age.
I have never in my life been told I'm HOT or SEXY. Always cute or small. I have
been told I have a vibe that tells boys, "look but don't touch", or
,"Inexperienced". And to this day I'm still bothered with that fact. Is this why
boys won't come near me... Do I have to seem easy to bring the boys to the yard?
I'm ashamed whenever I am with people I'm always the single person with no one
to flirt with... I don't really have any action at the moment and anything that
swings my way isn't my type at all or just junk. Why is it always me who
attracts the non hot specimen of men? Am I too nice to everyone and it comes of
as flirting.. I just enjoy being nice and treating everyone equal. It isn't
that person's fault hes unattractive. I get that But I'm sorry if your not my
type. But my type of guy would never even look my way. I have seen this in the
past many times. But That's how I truly feel when I get attracted by certain
men. I can't change it! It's who I am and what I like.
I hope maybe someday I'll be given the miracle of a guy who sees more then just
my body. I have no idea if my personality sucks too. I'm just sick of how I feel
about myself. Like I sometimes sit in my room like a loser and cry or the old me
would cut myself.
EVERY POSITIVE COMMENT TOWARD ME IS ALWAYS ABOUT MY BODY AND NOTHING MORE THEN
THAT!!!!
What the fuck is so wrong with me? Why cant I be good enough like how Ms.
BlowOff, Ms.FakeFace and my Best Friend are? I'm so jealous of them... Just so
very jealous. All have amazing things going for them in their own ways and don't
have problems with attracting guys. My Best Friend has the added bonus of an
amazing awesome personality and the confidence I wish I had. She's also just so
gorgeous and doesn't need tons of makeup to show off all she has. She just has
this power to her that radiates off of her. And doesn't have the crappy vibes I
have been told I have...
I wish I didn't need to get a guy to make myself feel different then I do. I
wish I could just accept what I got and not the reality of what I currently
think and feel about myself. I have been sucked into what society thinks is hot
and what's not. I'm just sad and unattractive... With a crappy personality with
a non fun vibes. Awesome huh boys, I'm free and available but don't worry I'm
going to be on the market for a long time... with a bonus of Forever.
11.11.12
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