I feel like i am no longer in control of my life. This week i have been invited to so many things that i cant even fathom it. YET i have felt the worst i have ever felt this week. I feel like i have no luck at all. I finally started "having a life" yet i cant leave home. My father said i will be able to go see the doctor in a week. So that is amazing to me and i hope that really happens. I Feel Terrible!! Feeling dizzy all the damn time. I have been feeling this way for a month and two days. That is way too long. I feel like i am no longer in control of my life...
I got invited out tonight to hang out with Ms.BlowOff (shockingly) and My Best Friend. I was really excited i got invited. I really wanted to go for one it sounded really fun. Also i really want to mend the friendship between Ms.BlowOff and myself so tonight would have been my chance at doing so...but unfortunately, of course, i wasn't feeling good. So i told them maybe next time. Needless to say i got really frustrated with how i have been feeling and with everything in my life so finally caved in and cried. I sat on my sisters bed with my sister and her boyfriend hugging me and i just cried. Tonight was the first night i have ever cried about whatever is wrong with me. I have been really stressing about it and i seriously couldn't take it anymore.. so like the weak, worthless person that i am i just cried. I wasn't a ugly cry or a sobbing cry but i just a small cry. I felt really blessed to have my sister and her boyfriend with me. They even brought home Yogurtland for me. I'm just so frustrated that i no longer have the rights to my life and whatever that is wrong with me rules over it.
I don't believe its all in my head. I could be very optimistic and feeling great to have it blow up in my face... well my head.
I'm also invited to go out tomorrow night, the next night and the night after that. SERIOUSLY why all now?!? Why cant i just feel completely fine so i can go out? I'm so afraid to leave my house now from me getting disorientated and dizzy is becoming way to often. Luckily i will hopefully see if My Best Friend will go with me tomorrow night or the next night. My dad is getting a new car with prepaid gas from his new work sometime this week. So he will also be able to pick me up if i need him to. Which would help since i get worried when i get terrible in my head and cant get home. My biggest worry is i'm supposed to go out with my step cousin's family for her birthday and we will be in a restaurant setting so i need to be completely ok because i cant just leave in the middle of it. I am super excited for the gifts i'm giving her. They are all hand made and i worked really hard on them. I hope she likes them.
On a random note, i saw this quote on Tumblr and it stuck out to me for many reasons. I retyped it exactly as it looked:
A
LL
THE
THIN
GS YO
U THOU
GHT WER
E TRUE W
ERE JUST :
YOUR EYES'
IDEAS OF HO
W YOU SHOUL
D SEE ONE LITT
LE SLICE OF THI
S GIGANTIC, MAG
ICAL WORLD OF OU
RS. DO NOT BE CONT
ROLLED BY PERCEPT
ION: TAKE CONTROL O
F HOW YOU READ REAL
ITY, IN ALL ITS BEAUTY
-KR12
I liked the way it looked for starters. Its looks and the meaning of the quote mesh together and it literally shows what it says. Amazingly intuitive if i may say. I need to open my eyes and see the world. Not just believe what i think i have seen or just what i have seen in books. Like i have never seen snow fall in real life. I have seen it snow barley and if for 2 minutes at that when we were leaving big bear. i have seen it on tv or in pictures. I want to see it in real life really bad. I want to really see it, not the joke of it i saw in big bear.
I need to go out and see and i mean Really see.
11.14.12
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