Why Am I Still Friends With These Deficient People?
These people include:
Ms.FakeFace, Mr.BootCamp, Ms.BlowOff, Mr.Playboy, And various other people.
I'm angry with myself for getting too emotionally involved and for allowing them to get so far under my skin that it was painful to try to pull their thorny vines from where they had grown in. Too much blood, pain and tears were spilled for this group.
I know now i need to just cut them away. I may still
have some vines left but at least the connections will be severed. I feel like a grade *A* idiot for crying so many times over this group. Feeling so afraid to lose their friendships that i reverted to the helplessness of a baby and just cried.
I cried multiple times to Ms.FakeFace to have her ask me why they were that important. It wasn't her fault for asking such a stupid question. It is my fault for making friends such stupid people.
My heart needs to grow again.
There has been a black void where my heart once laid. I need to have it become full of love, happiness and positive feelings again.
I need to fill the cracks and voids that this group has ripped from their rightful places in my heart.
I'm not being a depressed waste of space, i'm being realistic. None of these people besides my best friend and Mr.TooFarAway (intro coming soon) have reached out to me.
When i say reach out i mean text me to talk not to let me know everyone is hanging out.
I mean a "hey you have been on my mind lately and we need to fix out friendship before it fizzles out."
But i'm just Humoring to myself. I know this will NEVER happen. I need to realize the true reality of the matter and wake up.
There is this matter that has been hurting me lately which is that Mr.Bootcamp has been writing letter to everyone except myself and My Best friend.
It really hurts... I though i mattered.
Guess Not..
So i now know i want nothing more to do with Mr.BootCamp anymore. When he comes home i will not see him. If i was worth a small minute of his time he would have written me a letter.
But whatever the bridge is burned and his vines have been cut. I Have Moved On For The Better.
Now i'm going to talk about another person i haven't introduced yet.
Mr.PlayBoy ladies and gents.
When i say playboy i don't mean the sexy magazine full of girls. I mean a boy who is a HUGE flirt and leads everyone on. A boy who plays everyone.
Continuing on, I met Mr.PlayBoy the first time i went to my OLD church. He was sweet, really good looking, and just really nice. We really hit it off well. we talked for while nonstop and he would sometimes pick me up before church groups and we would hangout a lot. I really liked him.. Like really really liked him. It might have what people call being in love. I unfortunately have never been in love so i cant say what i was feeling was that.
And at the time i thought he really liked me too.. My Big Mistake, but anyway,
I though it would be a great idea to bring my sister to church with me. My other mistake.
He pushed me to the curb and started exclusively only talking to my sister. I was old news.
And i knew he really liked her.
It was the most painful boy experience i have ever experienced. He stopped liking her when he found out she smoked.
I decided to never try with Mr.PlayBoy again. It inst worth the heart break.
I know he would never like a person like me. No one will ever like a person like me.
Mr.PlayBoy suffers from what you might call "The New Girl" syndrome. Whoever is the newest girl added to the mix is, he shows feelings toward that person until he finds something wrong with her or just until the next girl comes along.
It has been hard lately because hanging out with Mr.PlayBoy has forced me to watch him lead girls on over and over again. This happened to Ms.BlowOff even after me warning her. and now he has or had his eyes set on my Best friend. The newest edition to the group.
How terrible would that have been. To watch my dearest closest friend date the boy who i used to have great feelings for. That would have been a living hell on earth. BUT i would have supported her because i always want her to be happy and will always have her back. It would have stabbed my heart to see them together but my Best friends happiness would have been worth that.
I think i realize that i'm never going to be a guys first pick. I'm always in the shadows behind all the beautiful girls everywhere.
Why Am I So Thick Skinned?
These people aren't really my friends and i should have figured this out along time ago. I am gaining nothing being these people's friends.
I think i need to do is wait a tad bit longer to see if i have to nip in it the bud if nothing proceeds to progress. I have waited this long, why not a little more?
I think the reason i'm still waiting for a change is for the following reasons:
I miss the old versions of my friends.
I don't have many friends left to spare.
I want to be around my Best Friend so i will have to put up a act to hangout with the group.
I'm really lonely.
Most of all i have a false hope,
But what else is new?
11.23.12
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